Someone PLEASE, knock me up!

I am.  I am most definitely counting.  I love Wednesdays.  My weekly gestational count falls on Wednesday and I love it each time a Wednesday comes and goes.  One more week without something bad happening.  One less week to go in which something bad can happen.   When does that freaking fear go away I wonder. 

Speaking of fear — I woke up spontaneously this morning at 6:30.  I needed to pee.  Nothing unusual about that except that I didn’t wake up any other times in the night to pee when I normally wake up 3-4 times per night.  That means I slept from 11:30 p.m. to 6:30 a.m. without needing to pee.  That’s 7 hours people.  Talk about freaking me the hell out.  I immediately assumed the worst — the reason I didn’t need to pee at all last night was because, well you know — DBTs.  No need to pee if there is no longer a real live baby growing away in my ute.  I’ve been up ever since.  I’m doing pretty good at talking myself off the edge.  I mean I keep gripping my bo.obs to make sure the nips are still sore as all get out and they are.  The bo.obs also still feel heavy.  Both good signs I know — that’s what I keep telling myself.  Anyway, I don’t see the OB again until January 9 — that’s 10 freaking days away.  AND, AND, I can’t get the freaking doppler to work.  My darling SB, who I love with all my heart, never listens to a word I say and he bought me a doppler for the holiday but got a different brand than the one I gave him the link to on the in.ternet.  Why oh why did he do this to me?   Now we have a doppler that I think is not as good as the one I originally picked.  It won’t pick up the heartbeat and at 15 weeks it should.  And, right freaking now, I have no way of helping myself get rid of the DBTs on my own.  F*ck!

Morning.sickness and continuing DBTs:  For the past couple of weeks m/s has been the indicator that I was still pg.  Yesterday for the first time in those weeks I was able to eat almost normally.  WTF — is this a sign that supports my DBTs or is it that I’m in my 15th week and it is normal to start feeling better?  I just don’t know.

Okay, okay, gotta move on.

Vacation:  I need a vacation really really badly.  My office has been closed since noon on Christmas.Eve.  Everybody has all the days off until January 5.  Everybody that is except me.  You see we have moved our offices about 10 blocks over this holiday season.  I’ve worked everyday (including weekends) except Christmas.day this past week.  It doesn’t end there.  Although I will get New Year’s Day off I will be working Friday and either Saturday or Sunday.  This is a 250 person office and I am the point person for the move.  My boss (the executive director) is no where to be found — oh yeah, she’s on vacation with her family in the South.  Hmm — will post more about that later.  Anyway, although I am a salaried employee and don’t normally get comp days or overtime I am just telling them I am taking 6 days as comp time for this period of work.  I’m not kidding, I need it.  They all got extra paid time off b/c of the move and I’m going to make sure I get it too. 

So, what is the plan for this vacation I so badly need?   I had planned to take a cruise with my two sisters during the first week of March.  Found the perfect itinerary with the perfect price (that just means I could afford it) and as I was getting ready to book it I read some of the small print (I hate the small print).  Do you know that you cannot go on a cruise if you are 24 weeks pg!?  Yep, it’s true and it just f*cking sucks.  The trip that I need to go on based on our schedules is the week I would be 24 weeks and 2 days pg.  F*cking, freaking, farking sucks.  I was set.  I had my sisters all set which was no easy feat as they each have 3 children, fulltime jobs, full lives, etc.  It was a logistical nightmare to find a date we could make it work for all three of us.  Oy!  Anyway, I know there are other options but this was the easiest for me to arrange and I will look into other options but geez after the move I’ve arranged for my office I needed to just do something that was EASY and that I didn’t have to think to much about… get on the boat, put on your swimsuit, eat a lot of food at all hours of the day and night, get off the boat, sit on the beach, drink vir.gin coladas, get back on the boat, eat more food.  See EASY PEASY.  Didn’t want to think.  Just wanted it to happen.  I’ve been on one cruise and it was okay.  I didn’t think I would ever do another one but this just seemed an easy thing to do.  Now it is not happening and I have to find something else for us.  Blech, blech, blech.  I will but I was just finished thinking about it already and I just wanted it to happen.

Bras:  Have I mentioned my bo.obs lately?  Well, since you are all dying for a bo.oobage update here it is.  These girls are getting ginormous.  I can’t bring myself to buy new bras as I will only grow out of the new ones in a month or so.  I finally broke down and asked my sisters to send me their cast-offs.  They are much larger than me and I think I may fit into the ones that they have that they might have grown out of but have just kept in their drawer.  Very economical of me isn’t it?  Maternity clothes in general should be discussed.  I have decided to only buy my maternity clothes second hand.  I’ll either go to Go.odwill or buy them on e.bay or craigs.list.  I just can’t spend tons of money on clothes I will only wear for such a short time. Is this a terrible thing?  Cheap or chintzy?  I just can’t do it people.  I am frugal to the point of it being painful for other people to watch.  My sisters hate shopping with me.  I will spend an hour finding something I like only to decide at the cash register that I really don’t need it.  I shop with the “need it” or “want it” question in my head all the time.  Now, don’t get me wrong — I do spend money on stuff just not so much on the transient things of life.  I would happily spend money to re-do our kitchen or trick out our closets.  You know things that add value to your life.  I’ll even spend money on a good vacation once in a while (although the cruise was quite inexpensive).  I just try to get real value for my money.  I will also spend solid money on purses and wallets but I only buy a purse or a wallet every few years.  I don’t have many purses — basically one for fall/winter and one for spring/summer (I do have some cheapies that I have bought over the years and they fill out when I need something other than the everyday purse).  But for my day to day purse I will spend money.  Those things get USED and wallets too.  But I guess what I’m saying is that I am careful with money.  This has not always been the case.  After my first marriage fell apart I just about when credit card crazy and when I finally came out of that after a couple of years of not denying myself ANYTHING (seriously) I was in crazy debt and spent the next 5 years paying it off.  Lesson freaking learned my peeps.  I don’t do debt, don’t like debt, can’t sleep at night for worry about debt my family is in.  I do have a mortgage but see I think there is value in that debt and I can bear it.  Moving on — will buy all maternity clothes second hand.  There is one exception to this.  Can you guess?  What would be your exception?  It’s easy — I ain’t wearin’ no stinkin’ second-hand pant.ies.  I don’t wear other people’s pan.ties.  No way, no sir, never gonna happen.  I do not put my girly bits where other girly bits have gone before.  Do you blame me?  I mean frugal is one thing but gross is a different thing all together.

I know I have more.  Would love to update you on the Executive Director we hired and what a mistake it has turned.  Also, I could tell you all about how I’m kicking myself in the ass for not really going after it for myself.  But, I’ll tell you that tale next time.

I hope you are all well and enjoying your holiday season.

It seems that CVS results come in three parts. First you get the preliminary F.ISH results of which we were told ours were normal. This preliminary report only reports on 5 things, three different trisomy possibilities and the se.x chromosomes. Then about 10 days later you get the semi-final results of which ours were also NORMAL (woohoo). These results give you the definitive answer that all the chromosomes are lined up correctly and that there are the appropriate number. The final-final results are on 8 other possible defects (and of course I can’t remember them) that are supposed to be extremely rare. So my dear friends for all intents and purposes this baby is chromosomally normal and we have decided that we can now tell people. It only took until 14 weeks but we are here and we know that things are completely the way they should be at this point. Can I tell you how happy I am?!

A few of you asked about the gender. The answer is that we did not find out. The geneticist asked if we wanted to know and I told her no. She said we could change our mind at any time and we might but for now we are in the dark. As we try harder and harder to find any names we agree on I think SB will push for us to learn the gender. I will probably cave at some point but for now I’m going to stay strong.
Morning si.ckness continues. I’m still sick. I’ve lost about 3 lbs this last week. Can I say this really sucks. I know that I don’t have it as bad as so many and for that I’m thankful. I’m also thankful I have a reason to have morning si.ckness but it is totally weird that I find myself in a situation where I just don’t know what to do for my body. I haven’t a clue on how to make myself feel better. No matter what I do — dry toast, crackers, plain carbohydrates, etc. my stomach just does not like it. Eat, don’t eat. Drink something, don’t drink something. None of it helps I used to feel that I knew my body pretty well but I am just trying to accept that I now have a different body. One of the hardest parts is that I’m thirsty a lot but everything I drink makes me want to be sick. This is very bad b/c I need to drink in order to not become dehydrated. Catch 22 anyone? I’m thankful b/c I don’t often actually get sick — I just feel sick.

I have my next ob appointment on January 9 and I should get an ultrasound as part of the check up. They will also set me up for the full anatomy scan at that appointment. I’m very excited about that appointment. I can’t wait to see the kid in detail so that’s exciting.

Work is still kicking my butt and that would be fine if I weren’t so tired. Is it weird to sleep 10 or 11 hours a night? Of course, that is really about an hour less with all the get up to pee times I have :)

Okay gotta go.  Happy Holidays to everyone.

I know I’ve left all of you hanging and I’m so sorry.  I have been hit with the dreaded  morn.ing.sick.ness and boy does it blow holes!  Totally f*cked I’ll tell you.  Work too has been a biatch.  I worked three days last week over 12 hours each.  I get home in time to put an icepack on my head (hey, what’s up with these headaces — is that pg related?) wash my face, take a shot and go to bed — who can freaking eat!    I’m feeling slightly better today — don’t want to jinx it or anything but I woke up and did not immediately want to puke — great strides people, great strides indeed.  I am hoping it is a sign that I may be on the upside — keep your fingers crossed.

Here’s a quick update in bullet style:

• CVS (try 1) never happened.  I was there for 4 hours with a full bladder and no food after I scarfed down the package of saltines I had brought along.  Three sonographers and a doctor later and they decide they cannot safely do the CVS that day — come back in one week.  Apparently I have a re,troverted u,terus so that precludes a va,ginal approach via the cer,vix.   Yep, they will have to go transab.dominally and my pla,centa is all the way in the back.  It was impossible to safely get to it.
• Morningsickn,ess — check (read first paragraph).
• CVS (try 2) was successful.  However, it took 3 hours, 2 sonographers and a doctor to pull this one off.  The doctor told me that on a scale from 1 - 10 with 10 being the most difficult my CVS was up there in the 9.5 range.  They said I did great.  She (the doctor) kept reminding me to keep my tummy muscles relaxed and I think I did okay.  She said she was very impressed by how calm I stayed.  I am too I tell you b/c it was really really really not pleasant.  Okay, it hurt ladies.  It is certainly doable but if you have to have one just try to get your mind in a calm place and breathe deeply while remembering that it goes very quickly.  It was less than two minutes.
• CVS results.  Got the preliminary FI.SH results back less than 24 hours after the test.  All NORMAL.  Halle-freaking-lluha.  The genetic counselor told me that with a 95% probability my 42 year old eggs have produced a normal fetus.  I burst into tears the second I hung up the phone.  The sense of relief was overwhelming.  I have been all rational-minded about the choices that SB and I would have to make if the test came back with bad results and I knew in my head that I would make those choices but the sense of relief in knowing that I don’t have to was just too much to bear.  I cried and cried and cried.  I called SB at work.  I couldn’t talk.  I could only say the word good over and over and over so he wouldn’t freak out and think something terrible had happened.  Once I could talk again I explained that the preliminary results were good. 
• SB told someone.  This is a huge step for him.  He was out for dinner with a friend two nights ago and he said it just came out.  He said it felt really great.  What was really cool was that the friend then told him the same thing — he and his wife just found out so they are really early days yet.   V cool that.
• Two IRL friends in infertility have just gotten knocke.d up via egg.donor.  I’m just so happy for them both and I am so happy that I’ll have them to go through this better part of the journey with.
• Two of my most favorite bloggers of all times have gotten positive betas.  M over at mysanctuary* is only a couple of weeks behind me and she is doing great.  She has a lovely heartbeat going strong.    Shlomit at You’re Still Young* has had her 3rd positive beta and is going for an ultrasound next Tuesday — keep your fingers crossed for both these amazing people.

I think that is all for now.  I will try very hard to be better.  We should have the final results of the CVS by the end of the week and I will definitely update with that.  Thank you all so much for checking in.  I’m sorry I got you all worrying.

*I’m sorry, I don’t know how to make the links.

You should say that title in a Boris Karloff 1950s scary movie voice, imagining a wolf howling in the background and lightning flashing in the sky.  Makes it sound great.

Anyway, had my 3rd u/s yesterday and lots of good stuff to report.  Well, good stuff and two surprising things one of which could have been a huge shock to SB and I.  But, first things first.

Heartbeat was 176 — nice and strong.  God I love seeing that flickering.

Measures 9w1d — I was 9w exactly.

Features:  could see head, torso, arm buds, leg buds, and what I swear is the beginning of faint facial features.

Surprise #1 — IT MOVES.  Seriously, I was so surprised by this.  I really did not expect it to move but it does.  It wiggles and does a bit of a dance like the Elaine dance from Seinfield (that part was a bit disturbing but I’m marking it down to it just not knowing any better yet.  I’ll show it some good dance moves if it gets here okay;)

Surprise #2 (and this is the one that shocked me) — there is a second sack.  It is much smaller than The Creatures sack and you can’t see anything in it.  My doctor says it has to be a split from the one embryo we put back but that it didn’t go anywhere.  He says we didn’t see it on the original u/s b/c it was too small but that over the past few weeks the sack has continued to grow.  He thinks it will stop growing sooner rather than later and be reabsorbed over time.  He says it is nothing to worry about.  I’m not worried about it but I am freaked out about how close we came to identical twins (not that we wouldn’t have been okay having twins) but you know to find out when you are nine weeks pg with a singleton that there were possibly two is just weird especially when you’ve seen the singleton twice before with no hint of a second sack.  Weird indeed. 

My mental state — well after that u/s I couldn’t stop smiling for about two hours.  I swear to gd that my face actually hurt from all the smiling.  I’m still pretty happy and I keep telling myself it is okay to take the good and feel it as much as I can because if the hurt comes there will be time to feel that too.  Speaking of the hurt coming — I am very nervous about the CV.S.  We are scheduled for 12/1 and we have asked for the expedited results and although they will not be final we will have an indication is something is “probably” good or “probably” bad by 12/4.  We met with the genetic counsellor and she tried to balance the bad news with good news.  For example, my odds, just based on my age, of having a dow.n.syndrome baby is 1:40.  This comes out to a 2.5% chance of it being bad but on the optimistic side that means we have a 97.5% chance of it being okay.  I’m trying to keep the 97.5% number in my head but the 1:40 is really fighting it.  There were lots of other things they will test for but our odds for those happening are much higher than 1:40.  Oh well, what can I do?  The die is cast.  This creature is what it is right now.  What will happen the first week of December will have to be handled whether it is good or bad.  We know what we will do if it is bad and we know what we will do if it is good.  One will be despair and one will be joy. 

I will sign off now.  I’m in Florida visiting the in-laws for their 55th wedding anniversary so this is a mini vacation for me and a relief to be away from the cold and the job.  I’ll be checking in though and I’ll definitely let you all know how it goes on 12/1.  Also to those of you who celebrate - Happy Thanksgiving.  To those of you who don’t — Happy Everything.

It left me breathless.  It was one of the few perfect moments of my life.  I don’t even know what to say — I cried and stared and cried some more.  I saw the heartbeat and it was unbelievable.  We actually got to hear it and that really sent me over the edge — I didn’t know we could hear it yet.  It was 145 beats per minute, nothing ambiguous about that.  A solid heartbeat.  A lovely embryo measuring crown to rump at 7w1d.  I am exactly 7w1d today.  There was a big yolk sack too.  I don’t know what to think.  I’m feeling every emotion known but mostly I’m hanging on to that amazing feeling — SB holding my hand, the nurse with her hand on my leg patting me while I cried, the dark, warm room, and a lovely ultrasound screen that showed another life living inside of my body.  Truly surreal.

I apologize for not posting sooner.  I only just got home from a dinner party I had right after work.  I’m so happy I can tell all of you this news.  I’ve just been hanging on all day to get to my puter and let you know.

OMG!  I don’t know what to do.  The RE said I need an OB.  I was SHOCKED.  SB was surprised at how shocked I was.  I don’t think he’s ever seen me unprepared but I really was not prepared for that information.  I told the doctor I need him to give me some names b/c I didn’t even know where to start.  I think he’s seen this before as he had a couple of names he gave me right away.  The RE says he is cautiously optimistic.  I have to go back for another u/s in two weeks.  I have the CVS scheduled for December 1.  But right now I’m not worried about any of that — I’m just feeling the happiness of hitting this milestone.

xoxo

I.NEED.TO.KNOW.IF.THERE.IS.A.HEARTBEAT!!!!!

I DO NOT know how I will wait until 11/7 for the scan. That is 10 days away.

I know it is better to wait until then b/c it is so early now that we may not get a heartbeat yet.  It is better to wait until a time when we are sure there has to be a heartbeat.  There will not be any ambiguity about the result at 7w2d which is what 11/7 will be.  I just don’t know how to wait.  I just don’t know how to not be scared it won’t be there.  I just don’t know how I would ever be able to deal with that.

Okay, rant over.  Will try to move on.  Will try to think of other things (yah, right!).  Will try…

One fluffy, plush uterus — OCCUPIED

One sack measuring 4w5d (am technically 5w2d but am told this is w/i range) — OCCUPIED with one little bitty embryo and what the Dr. was calling the yolk something or other.

Two fallopian tubes — UNOCCUPIED

One heart (my own) — FULL TO BRIMMING and wondering if I’ve attained my hearts desire

One brain (again my own) — FULL TO BRIMMING with trepidation but I will not let it take away today’s good news!

Two weeks from today — second u/s to look at a heartbeat.

Ladies:  I don’t know what else to say.  Right now this minute I am FARKING HAPPY.  I was sooooo afraid it would be ectopic but now — I’m facing forward and hoping for the best, one step at a time.  Thanks for your support.  I know you were all pulling for me today.

Beta #3 was 421. I am told it needed to be 366 so this is good. I have an ultrasound on Friday afternoon to see it and make sure it isn’t ectopic. It will be too early for a heartbeat (according to the clinic it will be 5w2d on Friday) and if it is in the right place I’ll go back in a week to 10 days for the heartbeat check.
They don’t know why I got a 90 on my second beta. They seem to be happy and hopeful. SB and I? we’re going to just hang on. I really don’t know what to feel. The ups and downs of the past 4 days have been tremendous. I think I might be a little bit numb. Certainly I am pleased beyond a doubt but I am also full of trepidation and uncertainty. I know I’m telling it to the choir here but I’m so happy you are here for me to tell.
I will also have my second in.tralipids infusion on Friday.

Thank you all for every word you’ve said in your comments. I can’t tell you how many times I read and re-read your supportive messages. Those comments have been a huge part of me hanging on. Thank you thank you thank you.

Although the line came up immediately on this morning’s pee.stick it was lighter.

I think I should stop the meds.

If I stop the meds and my period arrives before Monday, I think I’m not
going to go for the beta.

What do you think?

the reality is that there isn’t anything there, right?

so, that means there is not reason to continue, right?

Update:  Since I was torn about whether or not to continue taking the meds I decided to POA.S last night and if the line was darker than the last stick then I would take the meds but if it was as light or lighter then I would not take the meds.  The line was darker (urgh, WTF does that mean?!) so I took the meds.  I’ll do the same thing tonight – PO.AS then decide what to do.  One step at a time I guess.

Can only hear crying now.

Beta #2 was only 90.

It didn’t double.

They want me to keep taking my meds and go for another beta on Monday.

Okay, fine, whatever…we all know what this is but sure keep me holding on.

I’m mad at the clinic. They should never have called me and told me the first beta number. They should have waited like they said they would.