Getting better — so maybe no more passworded entries
June 20, 2009:
Marriage Counseling: SB and I went for our second appointment. It has helped tremendously. I do understand that he was operating out of his fear and anxiety that something bad was going to happen. He had had that fear since I got pregnant and I think I must have forgotten or as we got closer to the delivery and he seemed to get more and more into it – I guess I though his fear was gone. It wasn’t. He withdrew. Rationally, I totally get it but my heart is still having trouble with it. I love him so much. I never in my life thought I would feel for someone the way I feel for him. He is the one person I always thought would have my back, who would protect me, and who would always have confidence in me. He totally lost confidence in me. He thought I was acting like a petulant, 9-year old child who would’ve stamped my feet if only I could. I thought I was standing up for myself by asking questions and requesting information before something was done to me. He has apologized and we have talked about ways to make sure we don’t have something happen similarly if we find ourselves in a crises situation in the future and I truly believe we will weather the next storm better. I know we will be stronger b/c of this – I actually already feel we are stronger together but I know I will always be sad about this. I do not have a birth story I can tell Tallulah and that makes me sad.
Breastfeeding: Two days ago I stopped pumping and stopped taking the medications. I only cried about it once so far today. I don’t know how much more I will cry over it. Every time I make T-Lu a bottle I feel so sad. Yesterday I found myself at the pharmacy staring at all the bottles available trying to find one that won’t flow too fast and make my poor sweet hungry girl choke and gag. The nipples all flow too fast and she struggles with it. A lot dribbles out of her mouth and onto the burp cloth b/c the flow is faster than she can swallow. I stood there in complete disbelief that I was having to do what I was doing and I cried in the pharmacy.
