Hello everyone. Don’t know what has happened but my comments seem to be dead. I had changed my settings b/c I had been spammed with over 2000 spam comments. I think I messed everything up and and can’t seem to get it set back to normal. I will keep working on it but if you have any suggestions or recommendations on how to fix I’m open to hearing.
June 20, 2009:
Marriage Counseling: SB and I went for our second appointment. It has helped tremendously. I do understand that he was operating out of his fear and anxiety that something bad was going to happen. He had had that fear since I got pregnant and I think I must have forgotten or as we got closer to the delivery and he seemed to get more and more into it – I guess I though his fear was gone. It wasn’t. He withdrew. Rationally, I totally get it but my heart is still having trouble with it. I love him so much. I never in my life thought I would feel for someone the way I feel for him. He is the one person I always thought would have my back, who would protect me, and who would always have confidence in me. He totally lost confidence in me. He thought I was acting like a petulant, 9-year old child who would’ve stamped my feet if only I could. I thought I was standing up for myself by asking questions and requesting information before something was done to me. He has apologized and we have talked about ways to make sure we don’t have something happen similarly if we find ourselves in a crises situation in the future and I truly believe we will weather the next storm better. I know we will be stronger b/c of this – I actually already feel we are stronger together but I know I will always be sad about this. I do not have a birth story I can tell Tallulah and that makes me sad.
Breastfeeding: Two days ago I stopped pumping and stopped taking the medications. I only cried about it once so far today. I don’t know how much more I will cry over it. Every time I make T-Lu a bottle I feel so sad. Yesterday I found myself at the pharmacy staring at all the bottles available trying to find one that won’t flow too fast and make my poor sweet hungry girl choke and gag. The nipples all flow too fast and she struggles with it. A lot dribbles out of her mouth and onto the burp cloth b/c the flow is faster than she can swallow. I stood there in complete disbelief that I was having to do what I was doing and I cried in the pharmacy.
I went ahead and password protected the first downer post. If you want the password please just send me an email at knockemup@gmail.com and I will be happy to give it to you.
Also, I will post a photo of T-Lu but just can’t figure out how to do it. Does anyone know how to put up a photo on wordpress? I did it once before a couple of years ago but can’t find the instructions now.
June 2, 2009 at 4:37 p.m. She weighed 7lb 3oz and was 19.25 inches long. She looks just like her father and I think she is gorgeous. The labor and delivery was 60 hours longs from start to finish and it is an ugly story which I will try to tell in a cohesive manner at some point.
I will be putting up some posts that may be very disturbing to all of you. These posts reflect the lows of post pregnancy many women have b/c of hormones and various other things. Please know that as you are reading them that these posts are basically written when I’m feeling at my lowest. It seems I write most when I’m having trouble and not during the good times. These posts are my darkest thoughts and are not my true thoughts and only really show up when I’m having a hormonal crying jag. I am told these are normal crying jags but I really want to get the sad and depressing thoughts out of my head and onto virtual paper — it seems to help me get through the moment faster. I am depressed but please don’t worry — I am talking to someone (actually my husband and I are talking to someone). I just know that writing stuff down is part of the process I need to follow to get past the hard parts.
Please do not feel you need to try to cheer me up — I am posting the posts b/c I really feel it will help me to get the stuff out of my system. I also don’t know if I will be able to clarify any of the posts if they are confusing to read which they probably will be. I think that is just a part of the throwing up on the paper/computer that I will be doing. There is no clarification — the feelings are just what they are when I have them.
