Someone PLEASE, knock me up!

I.NEED.TO.KNOW.IF.THERE.IS.A.HEARTBEAT!!!!!

I DO NOT know how I will wait until 11/7 for the scan. That is 10 days away.

I know it is better to wait until then b/c it is so early now that we may not get a heartbeat yet.  It is better to wait until a time when we are sure there has to be a heartbeat.  There will not be any ambiguity about the result at 7w2d which is what 11/7 will be.  I just don’t know how to wait.  I just don’t know how to not be scared it won’t be there.  I just don’t know how I would ever be able to deal with that.

Okay, rant over.  Will try to move on.  Will try to think of other things (yah, right!).  Will try…

One fluffy, plush uterus — OCCUPIED

One sack measuring 4w5d (am technically 5w2d but am told this is w/i range) — OCCUPIED with one little bitty embryo and what the Dr. was calling the yolk something or other.

Two fallopian tubes — UNOCCUPIED

One heart (my own) — FULL TO BRIMMING and wondering if I’ve attained my hearts desire

One brain (again my own) — FULL TO BRIMMING with trepidation but I will not let it take away today’s good news!

Two weeks from today — second u/s to look at a heartbeat.

Ladies:  I don’t know what else to say.  Right now this minute I am FARKING HAPPY.  I was sooooo afraid it would be ectopic but now — I’m facing forward and hoping for the best, one step at a time.  Thanks for your support.  I know you were all pulling for me today.

Beta #3 was 421. I am told it needed to be 366 so this is good. I have an ultrasound on Friday afternoon to see it and make sure it isn’t ectopic. It will be too early for a heartbeat (according to the clinic it will be 5w2d on Friday) and if it is in the right place I’ll go back in a week to 10 days for the heartbeat check.
They don’t know why I got a 90 on my second beta. They seem to be happy and hopeful. SB and I? we’re going to just hang on. I really don’t know what to feel. The ups and downs of the past 4 days have been tremendous. I think I might be a little bit numb. Certainly I am pleased beyond a doubt but I am also full of trepidation and uncertainty. I know I’m telling it to the choir here but I’m so happy you are here for me to tell.
I will also have my second in.tralipids infusion on Friday.

Thank you all for every word you’ve said in your comments. I can’t tell you how many times I read and re-read your supportive messages. Those comments have been a huge part of me hanging on. Thank you thank you thank you.

Although the line came up immediately on this morning’s pee.stick it was lighter.

I think I should stop the meds.

If I stop the meds and my period arrives before Monday, I think I’m not
going to go for the beta.

What do you think?

the reality is that there isn’t anything there, right?

so, that means there is not reason to continue, right?

Update:  Since I was torn about whether or not to continue taking the meds I decided to POA.S last night and if the line was darker than the last stick then I would take the meds but if it was as light or lighter then I would not take the meds.  The line was darker (urgh, WTF does that mean?!) so I took the meds.  I’ll do the same thing tonight – PO.AS then decide what to do.  One step at a time I guess.

Can only hear crying now.

Beta #2 was only 90.

It didn’t double.

They want me to keep taking my meds and go for another beta on Monday.

Okay, fine, whatever…we all know what this is but sure keep me holding on.

I’m mad at the clinic. They should never have called me and told me the first beta number. They should have waited like they said they would.

OMG, OMG, OMG, OM(freaking)G.   (very high frequency screaming ensues, please protect the ears of all dogs in your vicinity).

Imagine this if you will  –  You’re sitting peacefully at your desk, happy as a clam (sort of) when all of the sudden you hear high-pitched screaming.  You wonder what horribly wounded creature is making such a fuss.  You look around and you don’t see anyone screaming, no one else is looking around for the source of this sound that is SOOOO unbelievably loud in your ears.  You’re sitting in your office and you are wondering why people are not running from the space to get away from the hysterics that you can hear VERY clearly.

It takes a moment and you realize you have just put down the phone from a terribly important call, in fact, your hand is still on the receiver that is placed in its cradle.  You wonder too whom you were talking when all this horrible shrieking began.

Hmmm, what to do…it’s so hard to think with all the hysterics going on in the background…would she (whoever she is) PLEASE just shut up already.

Oops, hold on…

–oh, sorry, I’m back.  Had to talk to a co-worker who dropped by my desk.  Something weird though, I noticed that while we were talking I couldn’t hear the screaming any more, but the moment she moved away it was back as loud as ever.  Maybe I’m going nuts.  Maybe I have ears like a dog and can hear at this high frequency.  Maybe the sound goes away when it is drowned out by another person’s voice.  I don’t know it is really hard to think right now.

In the meantime, come closer — closer  — yes, closer still.  Yes, just like that – right up to your computer screen.  I need you to be near so you can hear over the screaming going on in the background.  The information you are about to be given is something that is so far down on the DL and the QT that it is “that thing that cannot be said aloud” (tttcbsa), but I feel I must shout so it can get out over the screaming.   So, one last time, turn up your hearing aids if you have ‘em ladies because I can only let this out ONCE.  Oh, yes, it’s in “code” so you’ll need to figure it out, k?.

((((KNOCKED UP))))

SERIOUSLY!

CAN.

YOU.

HEAR.

THE.

SCREAMING.

NOW!!!

Remember – DL and QT.  If you MUST speak of this, please do so in a whisper only, while mumbling under your breath and yes, preferably only out the side of your mouth as we must must must be careful of those with the ability to read lips.

Beta #1 at 7dp6dt is 61.   I know it could be higher but we’re going to go with “so far, so good” and hope for the best tomorrow.  Please hope for the best with me.

P.S.  I can’t stop crying out of both happiness for what MIGHT be and fear of what COULD be at tomorrow’s blood draw.

I’m pretty sure it isn’t even really there.  SB says there’s something there but he’s calling it inconclusive.  I’m calling it a faulty, messed up internet cheapie.  How trustworthy are the internet cheapies really?

I’m truly and fully f*cked up in my head.  I just want to cry b/c I don’t want it to be a mistake but I’m pretty sure it isn’t real.  I mean you have to stand on your head with both eyes squinted while blowing bubbles with a straw in your orange soda in order to see it.

Please don’t say congratulations or anything like that, k?!  I just couldn’t take it if it ends up the line isn’t really there.  I really don’t believe it is a true line.  I had my first beta today and the doctor’s office really made me mad.  They told me they would not call me whether it was positive or negative but on my home phone when I got home tonight there was a call from the nurse.  Why the freak was she calling me AT HOME?  and not AT WORK?!   This was only my first beta — they aren’t supposed to call me at all until beta #2 on Thursday.  I am so freaked out b/c I think they’ll only call me on beta day 1 to tell me it is negative.  The terrible part is that I can’t even call them back until 11:30 tomorrow morning.  I have back-to-back meetings all morning.  I’m never going to sleep tonight.

Update:  It must be an evaporation line, right?!  That’s got to be it.  It is just too faint to be real.  It did come up within the 5 minute mark but … ?

So, I’m on a steady dose of sign watching followed up with a chaser of get real there are NO signs.  It’s true, we’ve all been here before — I have to pee 6 times a night, it must be a sign; I have insomnia, it must be a sign; I have some cramps, another sign; my boobs hurt, yep definitely a sign.  It’s all crap and I know it!  There.Are.No.Signs.  Yet, I so much want it all to be a sign – a huge sign with big block letters telling me that yes, you can stop being afraid, you are knocked up — go freaking celebrate. 

I’m 5dp6dt and I am freaked out.  I just don’t know that I can bear another bfn.  I know I will bear it if I have to — we all seem to get through — but f*ck if I want to.  I don’t want to have to be strong and get myself past another crushing disappointment and pain filled period of my life.  I just want to celebrate and be happy and know that I have a wonderful blessing growing inside of me.  F*ck. 

I know DE is out there but I’m so afraid to do that b/c seriously if that doesn’t work (and we only have one shot) I HAVE TO BE FINISHED.  No more trying, no more hope, just years of a childless life ahead of me and me trying to figure out what to do.   I keep putting it off because I don’t want to face the possibility that if it doesn’t work I’m finished.  It’s just too painful.   I’m trying to keep my focus on this IVF and the expanded blast we put back.  It could work.  It was a great blast I’m told.  Maybe they are signs — see yep, I’m really messed up. 

I want to po.as but will not.  Beta #1 isn’t until Tuesday andBeta#2 is Thursday.  So I should know by Thursday.  Oy.  I’m hanging in but this freaking sucks.

Just got home and am laying almost completely flat on my back.  We still had our two blasts from yesterday.  The one that was expanded was ever more expanded and the other blast was still alive but not where they would expect it to be on day six.  So, in the end, Dr. T only put back in the one expanded blast as he thinks that one if our best chance for a positive.  I would have so loved to have two put back but sheesh, I’m not complaining.  I had one great expanded blast.  This is truly a gift and I won’t look the gift in the mouth.

Anesthesia is the most delicious thing ever.  I wish I could have just a touch every night at bedtime. 

I will stay laying down as long as a I can. I’m going to eat b/c I couldn’t eat due to the anesthesia.   And, then, hopefully go to sleep for a couple of hours.  I woke up at 4a.m. and couldn’t go back to sleep so just got up and started doing work emails. Oy.

I have to have two be.tas for this clinic.  The first one will be on 10/14 and the second on 10/16.  They don’t give you the results until the second beta.  I will have poas’d before then so at least I’ll know if totatlly negative.  If positive, I won’t know how positive (or how good the numbers are) until the 16th.  I can live with that.

I’ll keep you posted.  I start lov.enox tonight and I hear it can be pretty difficult.

Don’t know where to start. 

Bad news:  I did not have a transfer today.

Good news:   It was not because I didn’t have anything to transfer.  Apparently I have two blasts one of which is expanded and one that was not yet expanded.  Also the other 4 were still growing but not yet to blast so who knows about those.

Bad news:  They could not find my uterus even though they dug and dug and dug until I was crying my eyes out.  It was the most painful horrible hour I’ve spent since I cannot remember when.

Good news:  I get to try again tomorrow with full on anesthesia

Bad news:  Valium doesn’t do fuck-all for me.

Unknown:  I’m terrified that none of my embryos will live overnight and I’ll be completely destroyed.

That’s all I got.  I’m home now doing some major comfort eating.