Meltdown much?
Well I guess I can say I had my first lu.pron breakdown of this cycle. IVF#6 and lu.pron is just as evil as it was during IVF#1. What was it that set me off you ask? Well, something stupid of course, but it all came on the tail end of just one too many things piled on top of my fragile emotional stability. I’m pretty freaked out that I’m cycling again. I really thought I was finished and to find myself back in the middle of IVF is fuc.king with my mind. Fear is what is driving me. It is the only reason I’m really cycling. I’m just too afraid to actually quit TTC. Pathetic much? Too afraid to stop but too afraid to keep going. One more failure with my own eggs will be devastating but I think I’m putting off doing DE/IV.F b/c I’m so afraid that it won’t work and then where the fu.ck will I be? A childless mother and, something I haven’t mentioned much, a motherless daughter. I think I need to talk about my mom at some time and explain the motherless daughter thing but I just don’t have the emotional capacity to do it tonight. I’ll just bullet it and let you go.
I’ve called my mother by her first name since I was 12 years old.
Many many years ago my mother sent ME a Mother’sDay card. Think about that one a bit. Why would a mother do that?
My mother used to say about her mother all the time “It’s not that I want her to die or anything…”
My mother is 63 years old chronologically but emotionally she is stuck at a very young 23. The theory is that she stopped maturing when her father died and she delivered her third child.
She’s a re.publican, I’m a demo.crat. Not that there’s anything wrong with that for either of us — if it works for you, etc. But she’s the woman who keeps sending me emails to keep praying for the Prez (dear lord save me now) b/c everyone is trying to k.ill him especially ALL the mus.lims of the world. She really believes this crap.
Here is a list of the words of wisdom my mother handed out when I was a kid.
If I wanted something she would say: Well, want in one hand and sh.it in the other and see which one fills up the fastest.
If you get pregnant when you’re 16 I’ll kill you (she did it –got pg at 16 and had 3 children by 23–and I guess she thought she was counseling me from a fate worse than death — she hated being responsible for children and I think it ruined her life.)
Why do you always need a hug from me at the worst possible moment.
There are more just can’t think of them now.
She left my step-father about once every year or two. She would make us pack up the u.haul and we’d drive from wherever it was we lived at the time and drive all the way back to my grandparents house. We’d unload everything there, she’d take the u.haul back to the u.haul place. Within 3 or 4 days she had decided to go back. She’d get a new u.haul, we’d load it up and drive all the way back wherever. It happened at least 7 or 8 times from the time I was 8 until I was 13.
We moved so much that once she put my sister and I into the next grade up at the new school. It took almost a week for anyone to figure it out. We actually moved 13 times in one school year.
I don’t know where all this is coming from except my pain over having to figure out how I’m going to live a life never being a mother, makes me just so much more sad about not having a real mother. Even to this day, she is just a sad, pathetic and angry woman who wonders why her children don’t call her anymore.
I’ll try to get back and exlain more about this stuff and the breakdown I had today. I just gotta get through the next little while. I’ll hang on. My fingernails are dug in and I’m holding on.
