Someone PLEASE, knock me up!

As I might have mentioned in a previous post I have a new job (and it is kicking my ass btw).  The new job comes with a new set of insurance benefits, and yes, it includes IVF coverage for 3 tries.  Unbelievable!   I know I’m very very lucky when it comes to this stuff.  I’ve had coverage for all 5 of the IVFs I’ve already done.  Now, the question is, do I do it again? SB and I had definitely decided we were finished.  We felt like we just kept banging our heads against the same wall over and over again.  We had four cycles using the same protocol over and over with varying results:  IVF#2, 4 great embryos xferred; IVF#3, 7 great embryos xferred; IVF#4, tried to go to blast — 0 xferred; IVF#5, same as #4.  We felt like that was it and we needed to move on to DE.  We had decided on going to the C.zech.Republic and I feel mostly okay with that decision.  I had decided though that I wasn’t going to do DE without first making sure there (as much as possible) wasn’t anything else wrong.  I mean this was going to be the first time I had to pay so much and I wanted to make sure no stone was left unturned.  We ended up going to the Sh.er.Institute in NYC for all those extra blood tests that my other REs either don’t do or don’t feel the results have any direct bearing on our IF (my age is the problem according to them).  The immune side of IF is still a little controversial (I don’t think that’s the right word).  Some doctors think it has a connection to IF (and especially multiple losses) and other doctors think it doesn’t have that much of an effect on it.  I realize my age is a problem, but I needed to make sure there wasn’t anything else before we do DE.  Long story short — we went to S.I.R..M. did a bunch of blood work on me and SB and we found that I do have a few borderline elevated immune reactions.  Dr.T says he thinks I don’t warrant I.VIg but that he would recommend a higher dose of steroids and the intra.lipids infusions.  He would like for me to cycle one more time on my own on an e.strogen priming.protocol (this is one I never used in my 5 IVFs) and he thinks I will have as good a result as my best result in my previous cycles.  He does however, based on my age, only give me a 10-15% chance of success.  His recommendation is that if I can physically, mentally, and emotionally go through it one more time then I should.  But, if I’m done physically, mentally, and emotionally then to gather my inner resources and go with my best option for success which is DE still using the steriod and in.tralipid infusion. 

So, SB and I have decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I have a new job, new insurance, and new IVF coverage.  I have the physical, mental, and emotional wherewithal to do it one more time.  Therefore, I’m happy (embarrassed) to announce I am officially TTC - one more time, oy!  I’ve just started my BCPs and I’ll get the schedule tomorrow.  I’ll keep you posted on my continuing madness :)

On a different front — the new job is great and horrible.  It is a huge job with a lot of responsibility.  It is 4:00 a.m. and I got up b/c I can’t sleep from thinking about it.  This has been happening all week.  I’m working until 8:00 or 9:00 p.m. most nights and I’m a bit of a basket case.  Of course, they don’t know this at work.  They think I’m wonderful — and I’m happy they do but it is all taking a toll on me.  Overall, I know I’m handling it well but I worry about the stress and pressure over the long-term.  I joined the organization as an Associate Director of blah blah blah and they have been doing a search for the Executive.Director (ED) for nearly 8 months.  I came in not knowing who my boss would eventually be and now I’m gunning for the job myself.  All the other ED’s really like me and really hate all the people who have been brought in so far for the ED position.  I have been told that if this most recent applicant isn’t liked by all then I should be prepared to have the Chief Administrative.Officer approach me about it.  Freaks me the fu.ck out.  I mean, I want it but I’m freaked out.  I don’t know that I’m smart enough to do it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m smart enough for a lot of stuff but the smart enough at work really pushes all my neurotic buttons.  Anyway, I’ll post more abou that later.  Who knows this candidate may be the one they all love.

Finally, as a finish to this long-ass post, I have to say thank you to the divine M over at My Sanctuary.  She nominated me for a Pink Rose Award.  I’m honoured beyond explanation.   It is such a nice thing to be part of this community.  I’m sorry any of us are in it but I’m so thankful to not be alone.  Belonging is a hard thing for me.  I’ve always felt seperate from the Other.  I still struggle with feeling out of place in so many situations that you’d think I was still 13 years old.  IF blogdom is one of the few places where I don’t worry about those feelings too much.  I mean, I feel bad that I’m not a good, regular blogger, but you all always remind me that my blog is for myself and to not worry about stuff like that.  I appreciate you all more than I have the talent to put in to words to explain it.   M, if it were possible for wishes to come true — well, you know what I’d wish for you (and for all of us).  Thank you again for always checking on me and for the award.  You make my heart happy.

been trying to get pregnant for 6 months.  One IUI — BFP.  Yep, ONE IUI and a BFP.   She didn’t want to tell me — I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t want to tell me either. 

I’m happy for her.  Of course, I’m happy for her.  BUT, BUT, BUT……. Why not me?  WHY.NOT.ME?

The pain is intense and that’s all I’ll say about that.

Dear friends, in case you haven’t noticed I am officially a neglectful blogger.  I think of writing all the time.  I even make lists so I’ll remember what I want to tell you.  And yet I treat any blog entry I want to write the same as an essay I had to write in college for a grade and I put it off and put it off. 
Well, today I no longer have an excuse.  You see, yesterday was my last day at my old job.   In my last entry (sometime in the last century) I mentioned that I was interviewing for a position.  My last mention was that I was worried about interviewing with the Associate Dean who was a woman I worked with many (peripherally) years ago.  I was so nervous b/c we had had a weird relationship.  Not because of anything I had done or not done, but b/c she had a proprietary feeling about the office in which I worked.  You see she had been the VP of that office up until the year before I went to work there.  She still had feelings about how the office was run and was not feeling any respect towards the new VP and her staff.  I’m very thankful to say my anxieties were unfounded.  When I walked in for the interview she said she was so happy to see I had applied for the job – she thought it would be a great fit.  I was stunned but very happy.  The interview went extremely well and I found that I liked her quite a bit.  As we got to the end of the interview, she basically told me in so many words that the job was mine.   Within the next 10 days the whole negotiation was done and I was giving notice at my current job. 
Can I tell you that giving that notice was so very difficult?!  My current boss and I have known each other for over 12 years.  We originally worked together many years ago as a two person team for the libraries of a large university.  We had a great relationship and even when there were times when I was not all that happy with my current job I was always happy that she was my boss.  Anyway, it was difficult and the last 4 weeks (I gave 4 weeks notice) have been a whirlwind.  It has been exciting b/c I’ve been able to finalize a few of my projects that before I gave notice had been on the back burner. My boss wanted them done so I was given the resources and IT support needed to finalize.  It was a great feeling.  I think I walked out of there on Thursday feeling like I’d done more work in the last 4 weeks than I had in the last 4 months.  They were all very sad that I was leaving but very excited about the new opportunity.  
An exciting aspect of this new opportunity is that I’m going to go back to school and get a Master’s Degree.  This new job has an unbelievable tuition benefit and so I think the stars have aligned and I should take advantage.  SB too can go back to school if he so desires so overall I think this is a very good thing – oh yeah, that and the really big raise.
I wrote all of the above last Friday, July 25 and never got to finish it.  I was too busy enjoying the Hamptons, the pool, and my sweet nephew.  Well over a week later and I’m back and I’ll try to finish this long post.
Started the new job and it is exhausting but I think it is going to be fine.  Settling in is always overwhelming and I’m basically coming in to a place where there hasn’t been anyone in my position for 5 months and the position above mine for over 6 months.  There is a lot that has fallen to the way side and EVERYONE thinks their stuff is the most important.  Overall I’m happy.  I have a whole new choice of insurances each having an ART allowance if SB and I want to try again.  I have a whole update on “TTC?! Who, me?” that is almost completely finished.  I’ll try to get that out soon.
If you’ve checked in and seen this post – thank you so much for still checking in on me.  I do read all of you but still am the suckiest commenter in the blogosphere.
xoxo to all of you.