Someone PLEASE, knock me up!

To continue a theme that has been going around IF blogs lately, I am in the midst of saying goodbye to an old friend.  This old friend, when she found out we were going to do IVF for the first time said “well, if that’s how you want to spend your money go ahead.”  At the time my response was that we had insurance and that I didn’t know if we would do it if we had to pay for it as we didn’t have that kind of money.  It didn’t really sink in until later just how callous that comment was.  Fast forward two plus years later and her comment to me when I told her (while crying my eyes out) that we were finished pursuing treatment and that I needed to find a way to deal with the rest of my life she told me that SB and I should adopt, that there were lots of little kids waiting to be adopted especially all the little kids that have stuff wrong with them.  She said we could adopt a mentally challenged child.  She said we could adopt a child with physical disabilities.  We were standing on the street outside of a children’s shoe store where she wanted me to come in with her to just look really quickly at the newest (insert brand name here) shoe that her two-year-old daughter needed.  I told her I didn’t want to go in – you see there were lots of little kids in there – but she said come on, I’ll just take a minute.   Fifteen minutes later I’m in tears and fleeing the building.   She comes out a few minutes later and gives me her words of wisdom on adopting physically and mentally challenged children.

I don’t have anything against adopting special needs children (SB and I talked about it as one of several  options  and in the end we decided adoption in any form was not for us.  The reasons are various and probably make sense only to us and this is probably something I will blog about later.)  but it was just the way she said it to me.  It was as if she was telling us that because we were infertile that it was our responsibility to take a child with these needs and that this would be a consolation prize.  We should do the right thing.  WTF?   Again, I was in the middle of a breakdown and didn’t know how to respond.

In between the first comment and this last one there have been many many others.  All of them made me feel bad.   My response has been to begin avoiding her.   I don’t return all her calls or emails.  Not to hard because she is usually asking me to do something with her and her daughter that includes 20 other children the same age.  This even though I have told her over and over that I cannot do things right now that are so kid-centric.   She refuses to hear me.  She keeps asking me to do this that or the other thing; children’s museum, Gym.boree, children’s dancing classes, etc.  Anyway, I have been avoiding her (yeah really grown up I know but what’s an infertile girl to do.)   Today she sent me some recent photos of her daughter – they were cute and I don’t mind getting them as I love this little girl.  The bad part is that I did something bad and responded saying something about how cute she is and really growing up fast.   My friend responded that she had been trying to reach me but that she thought I was mad at her.   Well I am/have been mad at her so I decided to tell her.  I composed a long email and I sent it.  Then I cried and cried.  I hate that I had to break up with her and I am really freaked out about what her response will be.  I’m sure it will not be pleasant.  I know I will get through it but this is just one more thing IF has dealt me and I f*cking hate it.

I know this post is somewhat incoherent – it is 3:30 a.m. and I haven’t slept tonight.  I went to bed at 11 but got up at midnight.  Went back to bed at 1 but got back up at 2.  I know there is no sleep to be had.  I’m leaving to visit my sisters for the holiday weekend and I think I will try to wrap myself up in their love and hope that helps me deal with the fallout of my email.  Wish me luck.

It’s true, I’m moving happily along through my days always keeping denial within sight if not completely within my grasp.  It really helps to stay focused and keep reality steadfastly behind me.   It is true that late at night I can feel denial begin to slip through my fingertips and I have to clench my hands extra hard to hold on to it – but somehow I’ve managed.  I am not facing reality and for f*cks sake that’s fine by me.  I don’t have to face reality right now.  I can re-direct myself for as long as I want to do so.  I can keep upping my dosage of Pr*zac and life will be fine for a while.   When I finally turn around and face reality, well I’m not really sure how that will be and right now I don’t care (see denial is a lovely thing). 

 
In keeping with my decision to live in denial I am continuing my focus on the superficial.  I have decided the only thing I can control in my life is the way I look.  I have been going to the gym (3 times last week).  I have been counting calories and logging food intake in my food journal.  In my first week I lost 3lbs and am looking forward to another 3 by the end of next week.  I don’t think 3lbs per week is too much and in reality I would like it to be a whole lot more.  I’m into instant gratification like that but I know it is not the healthy thing to do. 

 
I have decided to forego the Bra.zilian Bi.kini Wax for something a little (okay a lot) more expensive but completely permanent…laser.hair.removal.  Yes ladies, I’m having my girly bits lasered.  Apparently it takes 5-6 treatments and the treatments in NYC are horribly expensive ($385 per session).  Because of that I’m having my first treatment in Arizona when I am there visiting my family in two weeks.  The cost is way more bearable as in $190 per session.   I’m looking forward to it.   I have never spent money on myself like this in my life and I’m nearly 42 years old.  I think it is time I did.   As I keep telling myself, I don’t have to pay for daycare and boy howdy can that be expensive, so I can spend a bit on me.  

 
As for my trip to Arizona – I am going to see my sisters and we have all decided that if it is the right time for my younger sister’s cycle we’ll give it the old college try with the turkey.baster (instead cup or syringe) to see if we can knock her up in the good old (sort of) fashioned way.   I don’t know where she is in her cycle.  I decided that as part of my new denial mode I wasn’t planning my trip around cycling so I didn’t consult with her on where she was in her cycle.  I just made the plan.   If it works out timing wise, great.  If not, well – moving on. 

 
Nothing else to report.  I had planned on going back on caffeine and I did for about two days and then I decided that I had kicked that habit once there was no reason to start it up again so I went back off.  I guess I’ve decided I can live my life just as comfortably without 20 oz of hot delicious caffeinated beverage as with it.  

 
My CD1 this month was a real bi.atch.   So much pain.  I had forgotten how bad they can be.  It had been a long time since I’d had one like that and I hope it is not a foreshadowing of what my future holds.  

 
I hope everyone is well.  I know for many this weekend was probably difficult.  Me?  I walked for 2 hours in the park and wouldn’t let myself think about it.   Yeah, me and denial – BFF!

When SB and I first started TTC I had to begin to remember a lot of stuff.  Remember to take my temp before I moved when I woke up in the morning.  Remember to mark on my calendar CD 1.  Remember to update my Fert.ility.Fri.end chart.  Remember to pee on an O.P.K. every afternoon at 3p.m. beginning on CD 10.  Remember to have baby.making.s.ex (BMS) on the appropriate days.  Remember to take my pre.natal.vitamins.  Remember to take my baby aspirin beginning the day after ovulation.  Remember to take DH.EA 3 times a day.  Then we moved on to the big guns and an RE.  We had to remember a whole new set of stuff.  Remember to inject myself every night at 8p.m.  Remember not to have BMS the night before an IUI.  Remember to remind SB not do anything he shouldn’t when I wasn’t watching b/c he could mess up the timing (he would hate that I put this part in my blog so don’t tell on me).  Remember to go for all the monitoring appointments.  Remember, remember, remember.  It was all I did.  You all know how it is.  We have lists and notes on our calendars using cryptic wording reminding us of this that or the other.

Well, I’ve found that I’m in a dilemma.  I’m going to have a hard time remembering to forget to remember all this crap.   Seriously, TTC has taken over my brain in such a complete way that I actually had to tell myself this morning that it doesn’t matter that AF is on her way.  I don’t need to write it down.  I don’t need to mark the day with my cryptic little note on my calendar.  I don’t need to remember to have s.ex during the first two weeks of my cycle and then remember to worry for the last two weeks of my cycle.    It seems that this is going to be my new worry – how to stop worrying…how to let go…how to move on.

I’m trying very hard and I’m extremely happy to report that I’m still feeling the relief wave (please let it last for a long time).  I’m afraid of the time the relief is gone and I have to deal with those other feelings.  I’m not going to worry about it right now though.  I’m embracing relief.   But I will tell you, this forgetting stuff is going to be hard.  Just as I had to train myself to not move in the mornings until I’d taken my temperature I’m going to have to train myself to stop keeping track, stop checking my calendar, stop counting days.  It is a work in progress – but I hope the progress is quick.

Moving on:   Pet Peeve of the week — can I tell you how many people, once they hear we have stopped TTC, have said “oh, you know, now you’ll get pg.”   WTF!!!???  

P.S.  A huge thanks to M and Sugared Harpy for the input on how a Braz.ilian wax works.  That’s what I needed.  I don’t think I’ll get that really wacky weird surprised look on may face that clearly means “You want me to do WHAT?” when the aesthetician says do that that or the other.

P.P.S. Never ever ever search for Brazil.ian Bik.ini waxing information on You.tube.  It takes you to places you would never imagine you’d find yourself on the internet.

As you may or may not be able to tell from the title of this post, none of the embry.os made it.  I got the call this morning just after I got to work.  I’m not really surprised and I don’t think any of us are.  I feel awful and okay all at the same time.  I knew the odds but I wanted the miracle.   I’m trying to ride the “relief” wave that I’ve had since SB and I had our talk and determined we can wait a year to do DE and I think that will hold me over for a while.   I’m also ready to go to the gym tomorrow.  I won’t be able to do the full-throttle full body conditioning class as surprisingly I’m still having a significant amount of discomfort from the ER a week ago.  I’m going to go anyway and spend some time on the recumbent bike.  At least I’ll get my heart rate up, begin the sweating, and burn some calories.  This is the beginning of the “Take Care of Merideth (and indulge me some too) Era”.   I’m going to take full advantage. 

 
On that topic, I have decided that I will start doing things I have never done before or wouldn’t do too often because of the expense.   First up is the Braz.ilian Bi.kini W.ax.   Never had one, always wanted to but didn’t want to spend the money and was too afraid of the pain.   Well, now it is time to try it out.  Now, having made that decision I’m still afraid it will really hurt.   And, I’m pretty nervous about the embarrassment factor.  Anyone out there ever had one and would be willing to share the “down and dirty” details?   I really will be okay with anything they have to do as long as I’m not surprised by it in the moment – you know I hate to have my pants off and a wide-eyed duh kind of look on my face when the aesthetician says do this that or the other.   I mean, do I need to trim before hand or do they do that for you.  I want a real Braz.ilian – every thing off front to back except a small patch in the front.  I know this means they have to handle the (ah hem) folds and crevices, etc. Will I scream?  Is it that bad?  Will I still respect myself in the morning?   You see, these are the things I worry about.

 
Anywho, moving on.  I’ve also applied for a new job and am going to apply for another one.  This is one of those things that have been on the back burner for far too long and it is now time to find a new job.  Where I am now is great overall but I’m ready to move on and of course there are things here that I can’t change that I would like to  — namely my job title.  It is a lame title for a job description I did for about 10 minutes after I came here and for the past 3 years is light years away from what I actually do.  I approached my boss about it and at first the answer was yes, absolutely, we’ll get a change made.  Then months and months go by and nothing.  When I brought it up again I was told we have to wait until July until any decisions could be made about title changes.  Mind you, I’m not asking for a raise.  This change would have zero dollar effect on our budget but I’m told no and wait until July when the new budget year starts.  What a crock.

 
Signing off for now.  I will definitely get the meds inventory finished this weekend and put up a list of what’s available.  I def have some v. good stuff and am willing to give it away.

 
xoxo