Someone PLEASE, knock me up!

We got the call this morning that neither of the embryos have made it to the minimum required 5 cells.  So, no transfer.  They will keep them in culture until Friday and if they’ve rebounded and made it to blast we’ll do the transfer then.  The chance of that actually happening is as slim as any of us see an elephant fly in our lifetime.  Yah — it ain’t happenin’. 

SB and I had a breakthrough last night on the issue of what to do next.  Basically, I had an emotional breakdown in a fancy restaurant where we were having dinner before going to the Opera.  I told SB that I couldn’t go on.   I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown.  My brain hurts, my heart hurts, my body hurts and this is going on all the time.  It never let’s up.  IF, disappointment, and heartache are my daily companions and I just can’t take it anymore.   I told him that I cannot do DE this year.  I do not have it in me.  I told him that if we did it and if it were a BFN — which many of you know from first hand experience can happen with DE IVF — then I seriously would not recover.   I would have a breakdown of epic proportions and that I had to take care of my mind along with my body and that I just could not do it.  I am not in an emotional state that can handle it right now.  I am so negative inside all the time and I just can’t keep living like that any more.  SB agreed that we could put off DE for one year and that if I wanted to do it then, he would go for it.  Thank goodness.  You cannot know the relief I feel knowing I can stop now, take care of myself, get my life back, jump off the freaking rollercoaster and know that parenthood is still a possibility for us in a year.   I want to purge my life of infertility for one year.  I want to feel better and then, when I’m ready try again.

In that vein, I am going to get rid of all my left-over meds and I am going to purge my house of anything infertility related.  I’m going to create an inventory and let you all know what I have left-over.  

I am so freaking done, Done, DONE and right now, this minute I feel good about it.

P.S. I’m going to the gym on Saturday and taking a really hard full body conditioning class.  Screw the fact that it can cause my proges.teron to go down.  I don’t care.

Okay, I got the call yesterday and they said out of the 5 eggs only 2 fertilized.  I am tentatively scheduled for ER on Tuesday at 11:15 a.m.    I was given the “they may not make it” speech.   Quell surprise!   I’m quite prepared for them not to make it. 

 
As you can see (hear/read) I do not have any expectations for this final process.  And yes, I know I KNOW I’m supposed to have hope and to not be negative – but for goodness sakes hope does not a pregn.ancy make.  Neither does positivism for that matter.  If either of them did, then all my dear IF friends would not be living this hell along with me.   You all know that if I had to stand on my head and spit quarters out of my mouth to make this work – I WOULD.  But that doesn’t make a baby either. 

 
Anywho, I’m going through the motions.  I’m stuffing proges.teron supps up my girly bits.  One in the morning and one in the evening—they’re such gross disgusting things that DO NOT let me feel fresh all under.

 
I’ll let you know if we make it to transfer.

 
xoxo

Today’s retrieval was somewhat underwhelming to say the least.  Colossal waste of time, effort, and angst to be honest. 

We got 5 eggs and yeah I know it only takes one but we’ve put back 12 embryos so far and big fat nothing — so I’m really not having any hope.  None of the embryos even made it to transfer last time and we had 7 eggs then.

Anywho it is time to move on.  We may or may not have a transfer this time and I’m certainly not expecting a different outcome.  It is what it is.   They’ll call me with the fert report tomorrow and I’ll let you know how it turns out.