Someone PLEASE, knock me up!

I’m feeling a mid-life crises coming on.  I am not sure what that means except that I am more and more aware of my age and my aging.   Never before has my age been something I ever thought too much about.   All my friends hated turning 25, 30, and 35 and made such a big deal about how they were getting older.  I never had too much sympathy for them because I never minded getting older – it never bothered me. 

 
My grandmother passed away this year and now the only row of people between me, old age and ultimately death is my parent’s generation.   That keeps popping up in my mind.  Of course, that is the standard progression but right now it is really floating around in my brain.

 
I totally thought my life would be different by now, or that I would have just started the “family” portion and that that would keep me young or at least keep me so busy I wouldn’t have time to think about my own mortality.  I am 41 years old and things I expected to have happened already have not and very likely won’t.

 
I miss my family.  I miss being around my sisters and their children.   We live 2500 miles apart.  My nieces and nephews are growing up.   This never bothered me before because I thought I was going to have a family here in New York.   I’m realizing it is a real possibility I won’t have a family of my own to make traditions and do some of the fun stuff I did as a kid.   I want to go to a kids baseball game and hang out at the field with the other parents.  I want to go to my kids games or at the very least my nieces and nephews.   I want a whole different life than the one I have right now and my SB is not leaving the city.  

 
I do have SB and he is soooo wonderful but the loss of the idea of having a family is pulling me into crisis mode, albeit a silent one at this point as this is my first public (so to speak) airing of these thoughts.  The catalyst of all this is, of course, IF. 

 
If I’m not going to have the life I thought I would – what life will I have?

It was negative.  Thank you all for hoping for me. I appreciate it is so much.  It is balm to my wounded heart to know all of you are out there and doing for me what I couldn’t.  

I don’t have too much to say right now.  I’m going to finally get a hyster.oscopy next week sometime.  I’ll feel better once we take a look inside and make sure there isn’t anything wrong with the topography.

I’m sort of getting to the point where my mind wants us to stop.  The only problem with that is the monkey-wrench my heart throws in to the equation.   Whenever I start really really thinking about a child-free life my heart cries out (really there is wailing involved).  I wish my heart would get in line and I could move on.

As for the situation with my sister — we’ve definitely had a monkey-wrench thown into that equation.  The state in which I live does not allow surrogacy.  Therefore, none of the sp.erm banks will work with us.   We could lie but that gets confusing because we’d have to jump through so many hoops AND there’d be some 6 month quarantine of my SB sp.erm.   Also, the state in which my sister lives has ambiguous laws regarding surrogacy.  So, her doctor could refuse to do the procedure.   Nothing is ever easy for us IFers.  I really was excited about trying to get her knocked up next month.  She was excited too.  We’re not sure what to do at this point.   She said she’d be will to have a date with a turkey baster and do an artifi.cial in.semination at home if that is what we wanted to do.  She is so great — considering the ICK factor involved for her to have my SBs sp.erm put into her girly bits.  She told me she thought she’d get considerably drunk first.  Oh and did I tell you that my other sister and I would have to wield the baster itself.  I might have to get considerably drunk too.   If any of you have ideas on how we can get around all this please share. 

That’s it for now.   Again, thank you all!!!!