SB and I have just had the last baby.making.sex of our marriage. I will never have se.x again with the hope that a baby could actually come of it. I’ve turned it off — for better or for worse. Se.x does not equal preg.nancy for us — what a thing to have to realize.
IVF#4 in November. If BFN DE in July. Then done.
I have to tell you that the end of this past cycle has knocked me to the ground. Dot arrived today. Lovely cramps, lovely stomach ache, lovely sense of morbid negativity. Yep, I got it all. I don’t know why I really let myself hope that this cycle would be different; that this would be the one that ended all the TTC drama and move me on to the next type of drama : ) On second thought, I do know why I thought this one would be different – sort of. It’s that I finally bit the bullet and went out-of-pocket, which I didn’t have the money to do, to an RI. To the RI that got my SIL & BIL pg, the same RI that said to me “you are getting pg, your body does know how to do it, I really think it will happen for you w/o IVF and I’m sorry you went through that terrible process 3 TIMES”. I just thought/believed he was right. One v. expensive iui cycle down (IUI is free for me on my insurance if I stay in network) and I’m done for now. I know one is not enough but my heart, for now, has had enough.
Therefore the TTC Mission is hereby delayed. I may or may not do a natural/un-medicated IUI at my regular clinic for free this coming cycle. I may or may not do IVF#4 in November. I may or may not continue down this painful path. I’ll decide tomorrow or the next day or the day after that or the day after that. I’m not deciding anything right now except which type of cheap red wine I will purchase this afternoon in order to make a gigantic pitcher of sangria that I HAVE DECIDED to drink until I get sh!t faced. A little self-destructive, no? But I have decided I’m allowed and that I will pay for it tomorrow, FINE! After all, tomorrow is another day.
As part of the TTC Mission Delay I will not be blogging for a bit. I may not read for a little while either (don’t worry I’ll come back to reading and commenting, just need a break). I will want to b/c I think of all of you a lot but I need to get my head out of this game (game? WTF?) for a bit of time. I am negative and feeling petty and mean and hyper-critical and all bad things I just don’t want to feel any more.
Please know that I am still hoping all the time that those of you who are still in the trenches will get what your heart desires and for those who have a positive will be moving right along just as you should with a healthy pregnancy. I so wish it for all of us.
If I decide to go forward with IVF#4 in November, I will definitely come back and let everyone know. Thank you all so much for all the support and well wishes over the past while. You have all been so wonderful and everyday you helped me get through a little bit more than I know I could have on my own. Knowing you were all out there rooting for me the way I root for you has touched my heart so deeply that I get all teary thinking about you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Over and out – for now.
Just not the answer we want. NEGATIVE…again…still.
I think the RI is full of crap. His original dx was recurrent early miscarriage. I don’t think I’ve ever been pg in my whole life. Does he think that dx makes me feel better? Like, at least my body CAN get pg. Does that make me feel better? I think it did at first, but now I don’t think the dx is true and I feel like crap regardless. Oh well.
Feeling pretty awful right now. I used to be able to bounce back from a negative and be ready for the next step. Now, I just don’t know. The RI wants me to continue with IUI, but I think we’ll just go to IVF#4 in November. I’ll take a cycle off and start again with the big guns.
Thank you for all your nice comments. I really was helped by what you said and felt so supported by all of you this morning when I checked in. You are balm on my wounds.
I had b/w this a.m. for my beta. I don’t know when I will get results hopefully early afternoon. The problem is that I’m feeling nothing. I have ZERO “symptoms”. I don’t even know what symptoms means anymore. Last month I had bo.ob pain from hell. They were large, heavy, tender, and painful (without even touching them). This month – maybe, just maybe my nips are a bit sensitive. That’s all. That’s it!
I really am having a hard time with this today. I just feel so done emotionally and physically. The only problem is I can’t get my desire to have a baby to be DONE in the same way. If only I could, I would be over this whole crappy process. I would move on, I would spend my money on fun stuff, I would let myself get haircuts every 2 months instead of twice a year. SB and I would go on a fun trip instead of a pretend vacation to do DE which is probably what will happen next year. I’m just exhausted. I don’t know how all of you keep going on. I’m staring IVF#4 in the eyes and I’m afraid I’m going to blink first.
One year ago April, I weighed 27 lbs less than I weigh now. That’s only 18 months and I have gone up two sizes in clothes. I am freaked out that there is no baby attached to that gain.
It is dreary and overcast here today. It is supposed to rain starting tonight and I hear tell that the temperature it supposed to drop down to the normal range for this time of year. Yesterday it was 88 degrees. Normal for this time of year is high 60’s. That’s a huge difference and although I normally love hot weather I will admit only here on my blog that I’m a bit ready for 60 degrees. Of course, that means I have to go buy clothes b/c everything I have for winter is too small. Oh well.
Enough complaining. I will update when I get the call.
Well, Lab.corp has done it again. They did not mark my b/w as STAT although it is written on the order in big CAPITAL letters. I won’t have any results until sometime tomorrow. Who knows when. I cried on the phone to their customer service and the lady I spoke to was lovely and wonderful and really tried to help me (she has a driver going to the location to pick it up now) but they can’t get me the results no matter what until tomorrow. I’m screwed by the freaking stupid girl at the patient service center — AGAIN. Yep, this is the second time they have screwed up my results. I have been crying and crying for the last half our and there is nothing else to do.
Nothing new to report. We did go ahead and do two IUIs this month with the RI (not covered by insurance and OUCH). He does both IUI and AI (artificial in.semination). He uses this thing called a cer.vical cap. He takes half of the spe.rm and uses it for the IUI and he takes half and he puts it into a cap that sits (suction cups) your cer.vix. The idea is that those spe.rm will move through your EWCM through the cer.vix and into the ute. He thinks it is just a second line of offense. It was fine. You wear it all day and although you can feel its presence it doesn’t hurt or anything.
Yep, it’s true, wearing it is fine. It’s the getting it out of you that really is a bugger. I swear the thing has created suction and is stuck to your cer.vix. You have to pull this tube out of you that was stuffed up inside of you all day. You grasp the tube and pull firmly (very freaking firmly) down. While pulling down you shove one finger (sans long, sharp fingernail please) up into your va-jay-jay and try to get it to the edge of the cup. Once you gotten it to the edge of the cup you are supposed to miraculously be able to put your finger between it and your cer.vix thereby breaking the suction making it very easy to slide the entire contraption out. It works like a CHARM. Of course, the screaming (yours) makes it hard to focus, but you do get it out and hopefully this wonderful experience will make you pregn.ant.
Sorry about the TMI but really read this as a warning: If a dr. ever wants you to wear one of these things, THINK TWICE! Now, if this cycle results in a BFP I will pull this post down quicker than bunnies have se.x and re-write it saying how wonderful the cap is and that EVERYONE should be using it if doing IUI. I’m easily swayed, what can I say.
Beta on Tueday!
I hope you are all well.
