Someone PLEASE, knock me up!

Today is CD10 and I have been on clo.mid for the past 6 days.  I am the ultimate clo.midzilla!  

Actually I was fine until this morning.   I swear EVERYTHING pissed me off.  It was on the sub.way to the doctor’s office this morning that really got me going.  First, the crowds.  OMG!  The crowds.  Apparently there is some big shindig going on at the UN this week and my RI just happens to be on the Upper East Side.  The sub.way was crazy!   My hands were full with my bags and my HSG films that are huge and my SB just pushes his way through the crowd and leaves me behind in the urban dust.  I can see he had his hand out wagging behind him waiting for me to hold hands (we’re still newlyweds and we still hold hands) but he never once even looked back to see if I was anywhere behind him.  I got stuck at the turnstile – my metro.card wouldn’t swipe.  I stood there swiping and sweating like a maniac (oh yeah, did I tell you it is 86 degrees here today!), so sweating and swiping, sweating and swiping until after 113 swipes it finally beeps me through.  I was elated – momentarily!  The platform was packed.  SB wanted to go to one end of the train and I wanted to go to the other.  Bickering ensued.  I hate it when he makes me fussy.  I think he hates it too.  But really, why does the man insist on poking the bear! J

When we finally got on the train I settled myself in to a spot (standing as there were no seats available) but I was feeling okay for the moment.  It was cool.  I had all my bags and my HSG films all held on to in a way I didn’t think I was going to be dropping things any moment.  Life was good – but of course, I knew it couldn’t last.  As we get two stops away from our exit the train gets really really crowded.  I’m still fine and keeping my personal space.  Just then my SB decides we will never make it out the door at our stop if we don’t try to move closer to the exit.  He says we are moving (which means we are moving a kabillion people too).  He is able to maneuver himself closer to the door – me, I’m able to turn around and face a different direction.  Yep, that’s all I could do.  Having turned around I lost the pole I had been holding and now I had nothing to hold on to.  Have I ever told you guys that I fall down… a lot?  I’m standing there thinking I’m going to fall.  My hands are full so I can’t reach out for anything but really the only thing to reach out to was one of the other riders and they don’t take too kindly to being grabbed for support in these parts.  I fell, but thankfully the train was so crowded I was able to stay standing.  Looking at me you wouldn’t even know I fell I was held that upright by the press of the crowd.   SB is oblivious and as we get to our stop he hops off the train and turns to wait for me.   He’s saying “quick as a bunny” as I squeeze my body out from the doors.  Yep, “quick as a bunny, quick as a bunny”.  Yep that’s what he said — I think he has a death wish.

Needless to say, the walk to the RI wasn’t any better but happily we made it.  AND, we were 15 minutes early.   Oy, I could’ve slept for 15 more minutes.   

The funny part is when the nurse asked me if I had been having any side effects from the clo.mid I happily told her no – didn’t affect me at all!   I was all happy, skippy, jumpy girl about it.  It only took a moment to see the look on SBs face before I had to confess that maybe, just maybe there were some side effects.

So, for the long and short of it (HA), I have two large follicles on my left ov.ary.  I will trigger tomorrow morning for an IUI on Thursday morning and possibly a follow-up on Friday.  I don’t know why I keep doing this.   I’ve seriously had 20 IUIs.  Some were with medications and some were without and I’ve never ever had a BFP.   I keep banging my head on this wall.  I keep beating a dead horse.  I keep flinging the boomerang thinking it won’t come back this one last time and yet, every time the same thing happens.   This is clearly insanity at its finest. 

Working with the RI we have had the following tests and results:

Prol.actin & T,S,H                            FINE
Throm,bophilia panel                      FINE
Day 3 F,SH & E2                            more than FINE @ 6 & 25 respectively
Anti-spe.rm Antibodies                  FINE for both myself and SB
S.perm analysis and bacteria       KLEBSI.ELLA & cipro for both SB & I
Secondary s.perm culture             awaiting results
        (for routine bacteria)

What’s next?    I believe the Milla.nova panel (which I believe costs apx. $725) and karyot.yping will be in our future but I’m not sure.   At this point the RI wants us to do an IUI this cycle with clo.mid on CD4-9.   Fine, except that he is expensive and not covered under insurance and at my other clinic IUIs are completely covered under insurance.  I think we will do one IUI cycle with the RI and then tell him we can’t afford to work with him except for diagnostics.   Is that terrible?   Use him only to diagnose any problem and help resolve them but try to get knocked up with the other clinic?  Seems sort of mean(ish), but we really can’t afford to pay for something our insurance will cover especially if we have an eye to the future and possibly going with DE.   Even if we do it in another country there is still a large enough cost associated with it that I don’t want to put money where it doesn’t need to go.   I only hope he will work with us on the diagnostic and understand we can’t do the other stuff with him. 

Speaking of DE in other countries – I have had some really lovely ladies contact me and share their stories.  It has been amazing.   Every story sounds so great that I’m always swayed to go with the clinic that person used – that is, until I read the next story then I want to go there.   All three countries (South Africa, Czech Republic & Argentina) have been at the top of the list at one point or another but they keep getting shuffled as I learn and hear more.  

Now I have to ask – does a 41 year-old woman with a CD3 FSH @ 6 and an E2 @ 25 need to do donor eggs?   I mean, really, aren’t those very good numbers for my age?   Also, at my last IVF I had 11 eggs and 90% fert rate.   What are the indications that I need DE?   It may be that I have an oven issue and if I do, then DE isn’t going to help.  Right?   I just tie myself up in knots over the whole thing.

This is to be continued….

I had a beta on Thursday and even though it came back negative I find myself still hoping I’m pregnant.  I know I’m not, but I am so invested in being pregnant that I can’t let go of the possibility and accept the scientific facts until I’m bleeding like a stuck p.ig.  

Deluded is the word for the day boys and girls.    AND, I’m not trying to talk myself out of it.  Oy!  

I keep checking my temperature every morning.  And…it is still high.  Why?  If I’m not pregnant it needs to go down and Dot needs to get her ass over here.  I’ve got cycles to get through, I’ve got probes to be prodded by, I’ve got injections to inject.

Regarding injections to inject…I don’t really have a plan to do anything more than an IUI again this coming cycle.   This time we will do it with the RI.   We are expecting our s.perm.antibodies.testing to come back early next week so we will know if one of us needs to take predni.sone or not for this cycle.

I am so confused these days.   Ever since the whole adoption possibility came along, SB and I were pretty much on the same page.   We had done 3 IVFs and decided to spend some time working with the RI prior to trying #4.   (We have insurance for two more IVFs at 75% coverage, so we will try it again.   We just didn’t want to try it again the same old way.) 

Working with the RI has been very good and we hope it will make a difference when we do cycle again, however where I am feeling so confused is this past adoption possibility has made me put too many things back on the table.  Adoption (domestic vs international).  If international – where?  Donor.Egg (domestic vs international).  Again, if international – where?  Argentina (where SB’s family is from or South Africa which is where I want to go simply b/c I’ve always wanted to go to Africa and this would be such a great opportunity).   SB feels v. strongly about Argentina of course.   Keep trying IUI with the RI – how long?   Go back to IVF with old clinic?  If so, how long do we give the RI to find out if anything is really getting in our way?   Oh goodness, I have too many things going on in my head.   I think I have to come up with a plan.

Today the plan is the following:

1.  Work with RI for 2 more cycles (IUI only, possibly medicated.)
2.  Go back to IVF for two more cycles.
3.  Donor Egg (in either Argentina, South Africa)

I think that is what I will try to focus on.    This is the plan for now – of course, I have to tell SB and see what he thinks.   Last night he brought home a book on adopting in Russia.  

Oh, I didn’t tell you, my progesterone on 10DPO was 9.   Isn’t that extremely low for someone who normally has a 13 day luteal.phase?   I thought it wouldn’t be that low until the day before Dot arrives.   Perhaps I’ll have some progesterone support next cycle.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

I don’t like writing posts as much as I like reading blogs.  I’m probably not alone in that but that is why I’ve haven’t written lately.   Also, I don’t have anything to report.

I’m fat.  Nothing fits.  I have three skirts (all with elastic waists) that I wear over and over and I really really really do not want to buy more clothes.   I have a closet full and then some.

I’ve read that Joy over at The Other Shoe has given up sugar and she has inspired me to give it a try.  I made it through most of yesterday without sugar.  One of the problems I have with giving up sugar is that I have to use a sugar substitute in certain things such as my decaf coffee that I have every day.  Also, I drink one diet soda (non-caffinated) every day.   I’ve heard that pregnant women and women TTC aren’t supposed to have artificial sweeteners.  However, I’ve read on the internet that it is fine and everything in moderation is okay.   I don’t know what to believe.   Do you guys use artificial sweetener?   Do you worry about it?

Where are we on the TTC front?   After the Kleb.siella/Cip.ro process we tried an IUI this month.   We did two trying to hit the front and back of ovulation.  I had one follicle on each side (without meds).  One was larger than the other so I probably only ovulated one.   I will go for a beta tomorrow even though I am only 10DPO.   That is part of what the RI told us to do as he thinks I am having really early miscarriage.   His idea is that we catch the earliest possible moment when I could have a positive beta and then see if it goes away.  That would confirm his diagnosis anyway.   My concern is if his diagnosis is correct, how do we change it.  Oy.

I’ll let you know what the test says, but please don’t hold your breath or anything crazy like that.   The only symptom I have right now is that my (_Y_)s are killing me and they don’t every cycle only on some cycles.   That’s it.

Then there is the DE idea and the possibility of going to Argentina for the process.   Thanks to Nica at Life as a Sandwich for the clinic information.   We are keeping this plan in our back pocket for now.   We’ve decided we will keep working with the RI at least through November and then make a decision about moving to DE for the first of the new year.   We have been planning to go to Argentina next year anyway to see some of SBs family so we may just make it into an IF trip too.  There are some downsides to going to Argentina for IVF.  One is that they will only put back two embryos AND they will not ship nor allow you to ship any frozen embryos back home in order to do an FET at your home clinic.   These are two things that get in our way a little bit, but I think we could get past that.   Oh, the other thing, and I DO NOT like this in the least – it sounds like they don’t let you pick the donor—they assign one to you based on photos of you and your partner.  Why do they need photos of my SB if we are trying to get someone with some of my physical traits?  My SB has dark brown hair and light brown eyes.   I have nearly blond hair with a lot of red in it and green eyes.  My SB has olive toned skin – me? fair with red undertones who can’t walk from the car to the office door without getting sunburned. 

Okay, I think that’s it on the TTC front.  Moving on…

I have to give a shout out to Portia P over at Desperate to Multiply – she nominated me for Rockin’ Blogger award.   I heart Portia P and hope beyond belief that her dreams will come true.   We are both technologically challenged and as she said we are playing the age game with TTC.  

I really think that’s all I’ve got.  I wish there was something more interesting going on, but truly, this is my life.

I hope you are all well.  I’ve been reading just not commenting too terribly much.

Gotta love it don’t ya?   A dumped us over email last night.   She said she is not comfortable with SB and I parenting her child.   She did not give details – she just said it.

It is done.  I am relieved that she told us before we spent a ton of money on attorneys, but I am broken.  I couldn’t sleep at all last night.  And when I did finally go to bed I had terrible dreams – you know the ones where you find yourself in an auditorium wearing only a shirt and pantyhose?!   Very out of control, very disconcerting, very disturbing.  I am exhausted this morning and I have the day from He.ll to get through that won’t be over until after 10:00 p.m. tonight. 

I am more heartbroken than I am letting on to SB.   He wouldn’t understand (and he understands a lot), but this would just be beyond him b/c he is somehow able to not attach to anything until it is in his hands, or until he’s peed on it and marked it as his territory (heehee, just kidding).  I wish beyond measure that I had the same ability.  It just isn’t in me.

I don’t know what we’ll do on the adoption front.  I do have a homestudy package being sent to us so we may or may not go ahead and fill it out.  I mentioned donor.eggs from South Africa or Argentina to SB and he seemed reception.  He likes the idea of Argentina as that is where his family came from.  Does anyone out there have information on Donor.Egg programs in Argentina?  

In the meantime, we will keep working with the RI and see what happens there, but you know me, I have to plan way ahead just to keep depression at bay.

Thanks to dear Megan over at Exile in Kidville for nominating me as a Rockin’ Blogger.  I’m so proud and in the infamous words of Sally.Fields – you like me, you really really like me.    I heart Megan for thinking of me and agree with her totally – if we were in the same neighborhood, I think we’d be in trouble b/c she is someone I could spend time having drinks and solving the problems of the world with.

 As for who I would nominate, well there are so many of you who I love to read and who’s stories I am so invested in I don’t know where to start.  I think I’ll do an ode to those going the donor route.   So, without further ado, I nominate the following peeps:

Lara at Little Beans for Me:   Lara is on her own right now while her Sweet Brian is deployed oversees.   She has just had an FET with DE and had a positive pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage.   She is handling it so well for being all on her own that I am impressed every time I read her updates.  I would only hope that I could have the same strength if I were ever in the same situation.

Rachel over at Henry Street.   Rachel has been through so much over the past few months, from trying IVF w/PGD without success a couple of times to now facing her second DI IUI.  She and her husband both have taken a long rough road to get to this point and I am always moved by their ability to keep moving forward as painful as it is.

Daisy Chain and her partner Wonder.Woman are working on a DE IVF and has called her clinic and her IVF nurse coordinator on the carpet for not taking the care they should paying attention to important details of her cycle.  It is so important for us to be our own advocates in this type of situation and she is an inspiration to me for expecting and then asking for the support she needs from her clinic as she goes through this process.

Joy Suzannne at The Other Shoe is amazing to me.  She has been digging deep inside herself as she approaches her second DE IVF.  Unbelievable – and she makes me examine myself a little bit more every time I read her.   I wish her the best of luck as she continues her journey towards motherhood but also as she examines herself more and more.

Millie at Out Damned Egg! Out I say!  Is on her second donor embryo FET and I am so intrigued by this process.  It is an option I may follow if the adoption with A does not work out.  I love the idea of giving a full life to an already beloved embryo that will not be used by the bio-parents.   I’m not sure how it all works, as in how do you find an embryo, but is a path I may explore with a happy heart.

Alas, I do not know how to make the connections (links) but all of these lovely ladies are on Cycle.sista’s so go over and take a look if you have a chance.

As an update to where we are right now.  The answer is that I don’t really know.  I called A on Tuesday evening and we were talking for a couple of minutes when we got disconnected.  I called back but was immediately sent to her voice mail.  I left a message but she has not called back and it is now Saturday night.  I don’t think she will call back.  I didn’t get to find out if she had had her U/S yet and how her testing went before we were disconnected.  At this point I don’t want to pressure her but also want her to know we are in.  When we spoke the first time she seemed pretty committed to adoption but who knows, at 15 weeks there is so much time yet before she delivers who knows if she will change her mind.   Or, if she will change her mind back and forth over and over.   We DO NOT want to pressure her but want her to know that we would be happy to parent this baby.   I think SB and I will compose an email to her later this week letting her know we are in but that she needs to contact us when she is ready.  We haven’t even started our homestudy and I don’t know how long it will really take.  If it only takes two months then I’d rather wait until we get closer to her due date of February 22 before we throw $5K at this process.  If we are closer to the due date then maybe she will be more sure.  I don’t want to seem desperate to her but I want her to know we want this baby if she decides to go forward with adoption.  How to find the balance between showing interest and being desperate is difficult.   Anyway, I may post the email we send to her so I can get your input on it.  I love you guys and rely on the reality checks you give to me. 

SB and I met with the RI last Thursday.  We had to go for the post.coital test.  The test told us that there wasn’t any s.perm at the opening of my cer.vix even though we had had relations the night before.    That means even if we are timing inter.course just right, the spe.rm may not even make it to the uterus but live and die in my va.gina.   Because of that we have decided we have to continue with IUIs on our off cycles.   So, in that vein, we will be going in for an IUI tomorrow morning.  SB says he feels really good about this IUI.  This is the first time he has EVER said anything like that.   We’ve been on Ci.pro for the past 9 days and that should have knocked the kleb.siella out of our systems even though SB still has 5 more days of meds.   We’ll give it a try b/c there isn’t any reason not to.  I mean really, you can’t win if you don’t play right?!

Take care all.