Someone PLEASE, knock me up!

Went for my u/s and b/w this a.m.  All is well and we are stimming starting tonight.  I am on a shitload of drugs peeps.  8 vials in total, one shot per day until I add cetro.tide (sp?) around CD7.  The good news was that I had 5 antral follicles on the right and 3 possibly 4 on the left.  Here’s hoping and bottoms up to my first Rx cocktail for this cycle.

Feeling good.  Hopeful.  No reason not to believe we have as good a chance as anyone (although I’m not Polly Anna enough to let go of reality either so don’t worry). 

Saw Dr. Z.  Have I said how much I like the all the doctor’s I’ve seen at  my clinic?  I really do.  Everyone of the 5-6 dr.s I’ve been exposed to have been just wonderful.  Such a nice experience after the dr.s at the first clinic I went too.  Oy.  They were awful and I felt terrible each night before the next mornings visit and then I felt terrible afterwards.  SOOOOO glad I am out of there.

Hi everyone:

Just a quick update to let you know that Dot showed up early this morning.  I’m doing okay.  Have ordered my meds for IVF #3.  They should be here tomorrow.  I head in for CD2 wanding and b/w tomorrow morning.   Fingers crossed that ovaries are clear and we can start stimming tomorrow night.  I will be taking a combo of gon.al f and repro.nex at the highest dose they give along with a clo.mid booster pill each night just for that extra little kick.  I have to say though, that if I get the same response as last time I won’t be mad.  8 eggs out of 8 follies is the best I’ve ever done and I would just be happy to hit that again. 

I’ll let you know if there are any troubles with the u/s but please please please don’t let there be.   Full Stims Ahead!!!

Some cycles I really do believe through almost the whole process that this is THE ONE.   This is the cycle that is going to work for us.  It isn’t every month but a few over the past year or so.  This was one of those cycles.  I really believed.  That is, until I POAS yesterday and obtained a snowy white space where a BIG FAT PINK LINE should have been.  I know it was only 11 DPO, but still, I thought this was the one.

I’ve had “symptoms” this month that I don’t normally have.

1. Tired beyond belief. Going to bed at 10:30 pm and still having trouble waking up at 8:00 am

2. Heartburn (and I NEVER get heartburn) 4 or 5 nights last week.

3. Tender breasts which I hardly ever have.

4.  I have had a sick stomach off an on for the past week.  Just slight nausea but still it has been there.

5.  Yesterday was CD24 and I usually am having some minor cramping by now, but not this cycle.

I know there have been more “symptoms” but can’t remember them all now.  I guess I should have been keeping better track.  But, you see, I didn’t think I’d have to because I thought THIS WAS THE ONE!!!

Oh well, I’ll be okay.  Just another month were I get to be bummed out.  Hopefully, Dot will just go ahead and get here if she’s going to and then I can start IVF #3.

Did I ever tell all of you that I am a nut case (in the most loveable way of course)?  But, yes, it is true I am just a little bit loony.  It runs in my family so I don’t worry about it too much b/c most days the crazies don’t take over the whole farm  – most days anyway.  

So here is an example of my lunacy.   Every month, every cycle, every whatever, I DECIDE that I am pregnant.   For example, today I am 3 weeks 1 day pregnant and until I’m told other wise I just AM damn it!  Tomorrow will be 3 weeks 2 days, etc. and that will go on until Dot shows up or a Beta tests says boooo hiiissss crazy girl.  Now I’m not sooooo crazy that I do this on the months when there is absolutely NO possibility of being knocked up (KU).  You know those months–the ones where you are on birth control or haven’t done tttydtgp anywhere near ovu.lation time.  I mean, I don’t expect an Immaculate Conception type thing – now THAT’S totally CRAZY crazy.  I’m just a little bit crazy.

I don’t know why I do this somehow it seems easier to me (that is, of course, until each cycle I have to start over again).   But really is this sick or weird or REALLY crazy?   I have no ability whatsoever to be emotionally or mentally distant from this whole IF world and therefore can’t tell if this really is setting me up for a stint over at that nice hospital in One.Flew.Over.the.Cukoos.Nest.

Tell me please.   Chime in.  Don’t be shy; let me know if I should seek immediate help and medication (either prescribed or not  : )  as I’m not all that picky about it  heeheehee).

***********UPDATE******************

I forgot to mention that I had a blood draw yesterday at 7DPO to check my proges.terone levels.  Dr. CP wanted to do it b/c we thought it was possible I didn’t ovulate and that the 18mm follie I had just dissipated (because I never got a positive O.P.K).   Anyway, the results are in at 35 and therefore I did ovulate.  WooHoo. 

Went in for an IUI monitoring appointment this morning.  The lovely 18.5 mm follie I had on my left ovary is….GONE – yep, GONE, no longer in existence, disappeared, etc.  How is this possible?  My OPKs have been negative for the past two days.  Yesterday’s was slightly darker than the day before, but neither were even close to the control line color.  My temp hasn’t gone up in any appreciable amount.  Yesterday it was 97 and today it was 97.3.  Is that enough of a jump to indicated ov.ulation?  It would seem so.  Dr. CP looked and looked for it and it really was not there.  She asked me if SB and I had been doing that thing that you do to get preg.nant (tttydtgp).  I told her we had done it last night (Wednesday) and Monday night.  She clasped her hands together and almost said “yippy” – I could tell she was REALLY relieved that we’d at least done tttydtgp so it is not a complete loss…un huh! Sure!  Not a complete loss.  We’ll see.  She said do tttydtgp again tonight and tomorrow.  Yeah, she needs to call my SB.  He’s exhausted, working overtime and I don’t think all that interested right now.  Last night I tried reasoning, explaining about timing, carefully laying out why we had to do tttydtgp – none of it worked, I finally had to breakdown and perform the special hula dance for him (sorry ladies, that’s an inside joke w/SB), that didn’t work either.  I finally broke down and I did that one thing that we do because WE love THEM so much and THEY love IT so much.  Score!   I don’t know if I can go through that kinda jumping through hoops two days in a row.  For crying out loud, I work all day too and I have a Board Meeting from He.ll tonight.   Ugh.   Okay, okay, I’ll do it but I won’t enjoy it so there!  Now let me see if I can get him to do it.   Wish me luck.

Caveat:  I wrote this post about a week ago when I was caught in the middle of the idea of the canceled IVF cycle.  I am better now, but these things are percolating just under the surface and I wanted to get it out. **********************************************************************************

I am carrying ENVY, JEALOUSY, and COVETIOUSNESS in my heart and in my head.   I am cloaked with these emotions.  They are swirling around me like a fog rolling in off the ocean or settling into a valley.  This is not a beautiful, peaceful experience as being caught in Fog can sometimes be.  This is a suffocating, overwhelmingly disorienting space in which I am trapped – it is dark and I am afraid without hope.  I am ambushed by my own emotions.  ENVY is taking over my life.  Every trip I make into the street, walking home after work, going to the market, when visiting the doctor’s office (yes even my RE’s office), and the hallway in my apartment building (oh God, walking down that hallway tears me apart).  There are pregnant women up and down the hall.  There are seven little kids all under the age of 4 who I see almost every single day.  They are so sweet to me.  They run down the hall to hug me.  They follow me to my door (or show me to my door so they can let me see how smart they are b/c they always remember which door is mine).   I love them, but they hurt me.  I want them and they are not mine.   I look at them and I think they could be…if only (sigh).

THERE ARE PREGNANT WOMEN EVERYWHERE.  THERE ARE LITTLE CHILDREN EVERYWHERE.   I hate feeling this way.  I want to be happy that the little kids in my hallway like me (and, [sigh] I am, but it is soooo hard).   I want to be happy the my SIL got “lucky” (what a horrible way to put it) with an IUI and her baby is due at the end of July (and, [sigh] I am, but – It. Is. SOOOOOOO. Hard.)

Happy news, the golf ball sized cyst on my right ovary has disappeared.  AND, I have a big fat 18.5 follie on my left ovary.  We will try for an IUI in the next few days.  Fingers crossed.  I feel much relieved about the cyst going away in less than 10 days.  AND, I feel a little bit better b/c this cycle is not a complete bust (in the “we weren’t able to do anything” mode).  Even if the odds are really low of an IUI working at least they are better than us just trying it at home.  It was really hard to get myself in to the monitoring appointment.  I was so down and thinking, “what’s the point”.  I’m happy I pushed through and made myself get up this a.m. and go for the appointment. 

Just used an O.P.K and I HATE those things.  Ambiguous results at best, so I guess that means not time.

CD2 of IVF#3 and guess what…I have a 31mm cyst on my right ovary.  Canceled!  We’ll see you next cycle.  Sorry about that.  It happens to women once every 10 cycles or so.  No options, just wait it out and check back next cycle.  Defeated.  

I’ve already been so down the past few weeks.  I’m not sleeping well and when I do I’m having the strangest most vivid dreams (as I mentioned in my last post).  They don’t seem to stop and they are really all over the board.  Last night I dreamt I had 10 eggs at ER but there was something strange about them that the RE couldn’t explain.  I also had a major s.ex dream last night, good but weird with lots of extra-curricular activities of which I don’t usually partake – or haven’t since we’ve been TTC.

I’m sorry I’ve not been writing.  I’m definitely reading but I’m just having such a difficult time right now.  I don’t want to write all the time about being depressed.  I think part of it is that when I went away on vacation I was soooo happy and soooo excited about vacation and then about coming back and starting the next cycle.  But, I came back to an unexpected situation with the loss of my grandmother and having to confront the reality of my family – I haven’t talked at all about my family on this blog but going to that funeral was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  And, up until an hour before I wasn’t planning on attending the service.  I’ll talk about those people another time but right now I think I’m stuck on the fact that everything that happened was out of control and everything that had been part of the plan (great vacation & new cycle) was gone.  NO PLAN = desperation for an IF.  Now I thought I was setting up a new plan and BOOM! canceled, not happening, psyche, sucka’, etc.!    

I’ll check back when I can.  I’ll try to comment more so you all know I’m listening.

P.S. I may go back on CD10 just to check status on the cyst and see if there might be a follicle on the left ovary.  If there is, may just do an un-medicated IUI.  We’ll see.