Someone PLEASE, knock me up!

Sorry I’ve been gone so long.  I am still somewhat reeling from the loss of my grandmother.  This is the first time in my life that I have been so touched by loss in this manner.  I lost my other grandparents years ago, but I wasn’t as close to them so didn’t experience it the same way.  I’m having the weirdest, strangest dreams.  Very chaotic.  I mean, my dreams are always weird and chaotic, but now so consistently and vividly strange.  Many times the dreams are about my grandmother but most of the time they are about my family.  I know that this is probably a part of the process so I’m just trying to ride the wave, but it is so strange to me how grief just sneaks up on you.  I’ll be going along and feel fine and then all of the sudden, I am on the verge of tears.  The smallest thing can bring back the most vivid memories.  I wouldn’t change these memories for the world and I am so happy they are so strong but they are hard to have popping up when I’m on my way to a meeting at work. 

On the cycling front, I’m waiting for CD1.  That should be any day now.  Once Dot arrives we’ll start IVF#3.  Not feeling one way or another about it.  I’m hopeful we will have as good a response as last time but only time will tell.  I’ll let you know when we get started again.   Of course, even this month when it is highly improbable that we could have gotten knocked up on our own, I am still hopeful that CD1 won’t arrive and we’ll have a surprise on our hands.  It really is highly unlikely as I was away for the funeral during our hot days.  We did do that one special thing you do at home in order to get knocked up the day before I left and when I got back but since it has never worked in the past I don’t know why it would happen now – except of course, that I’m a glutton for punishment and Hope is my middle name.

I’ll sign off.  I’ve been reading all of you, just not commenting much.  I’ll try to update as soon as I know the dates of the next cycle.

Take care.

I had such a nice post all written in my head about how wonderful my vacation was.  Sadly that post has died a premature death.  Too much has happened in the last 24 hours that I can’t really even remember if I had a good time or not.

It took over 14 hours to get home.  Mechanical problems with the plane.  Missed connections.  Being put on stand-by when you were assured you had been fully re-booked for a connection.  Crying in airports.

My grandmother died last night.  We had just walked in the door when the phone started ringing.  She was only 80 years old and a spry old goat.  She had a massive stroke.  She represented the entire happiness of my childhood.  Crying on the living-room floor.

In the pile of mail there was a lovely letter from the Internal Reve.nue Service (IRS).  Oops, big mistake on our return and now we actually owe them money and will not be getting that refund we were expecting which was going to pay for the portion of our next IVF that insurance will not cover.   More crying on the living-room floor.

Looking at the pile of laundry dumped in front of the washing machine.  Crying in the hallway. 

The IUI did not work.  No surprise there.  Didn’t cry at all.

Dot started three days early so we missed the cutoff to start our next IVF.  Not a tear has been shed as I am a jaded, IVF veteran.  Mostly, I just want to give it all up but I know that is grief talking.

I will try to remember some of the good stuff about the trip and write a post on it but it may take a while.  I haven’t read any blogs yet but will do so.  I’m hoping all is well in blog-land.