Someone PLEASE, knock me up!

husband…RE…santa claus…easter bunny…anyone…help…please

I have totally moved

Filed under: 1. A lurker no longer — webmaster at 10:03 am on Friday, September 18, 2009

I could not get the comments on this blog cleared up so I have moved.

If you want to follow me to the new place please email me at

If you are still checking in on me — I’d love to see you at my new home.


Problems with comments

Filed under: 1. A lurker no longer — webmaster at 10:37 am on Monday, June 22, 2009

Hello everyone. Don’t know what has happened but my comments seem to be dead. I had changed my settings b/c I had been spammed with over 2000 spam comments. I think I messed everything up and and can’t seem to get it set back to normal. I will keep working on it but if you have any suggestions or recommendations on how to fix I’m open to hearing.

Getting better — so maybe no more passworded entries

Filed under: 1. A lurker no longer — webmaster at 10:03 am on Monday, June 22, 2009

June 20, 2009:

Marriage Counseling: SB and I went for our second appointment. It has helped tremendously. I do understand that he was operating out of his fear and anxiety that something bad was going to happen. He had had that fear since I got pregnant and I think I must have forgotten or as we got closer to the delivery and he seemed to get more and more into it – I guess I though his fear was gone. It wasn’t. He withdrew. Rationally, I totally get it but my heart is still having trouble with it. I love him so much. I never in my life thought I would feel for someone the way I feel for him. He is the one person I always thought would have my back, who would protect me, and who would always have confidence in me. He totally lost confidence in me. He thought I was acting like a petulant, 9-year old child who would’ve stamped my feet if only I could. I thought I was standing up for myself by asking questions and requesting information before something was done to me. He has apologized and we have talked about ways to make sure we don’t have something happen similarly if we find ourselves in a crises situation in the future and I truly believe we will weather the next storm better. I know we will be stronger b/c of this – I actually already feel we are stronger together but I know I will always be sad about this. I do not have a birth story I can tell Tallulah and that makes me sad.

Breastfeeding: Two days ago I stopped pumping and stopped taking the medications. I only cried about it once so far today. I don’t know how much more I will cry over it. Every time I make T-Lu a bottle I feel so sad. Yesterday I found myself at the pharmacy staring at all the bottles available trying to find one that won’t flow too fast and make my poor sweet hungry girl choke and gag. The nipples all flow too fast and she struggles with it. A lot dribbles out of her mouth and onto the burp cloth b/c the flow is faster than she can swallow. I stood there in complete disbelief that I was having to do what I was doing and I cried in the pharmacy.

Protected: My photo home page

Filed under: 1. A lurker no longer — webmaster at 9:03 pm on Saturday, June 20, 2009

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: June 17, 2009 (second downer post)

Filed under: 1. A lurker no longer — webmaster at 8:58 pm on Saturday, June 20, 2009

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Password protected posts

Filed under: 1. A lurker no longer — webmaster at 5:27 pm on Saturday, June 20, 2009

I went ahead and password protected the first downer post. If you want the password please just send me an email at and I will be happy to give it to you.

Also, I will post a photo of T-Lu but just can’t figure out how to do it. Does anyone know how to put up a photo on wordpress? I did it once before a couple of years ago but can’t find the instructions now.

Protected: Remember the qualifying statement in the last post

Filed under: 1. A lurker no longer — webmaster at 11:41 am on Saturday, June 20, 2009

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My daughter has arrived

Filed under: 1. A lurker no longer — webmaster at 7:26 pm on Wednesday, June 17, 2009

June 2, 2009 at 4:37 p.m. She weighed 7lb 3oz and was 19.25 inches long. She looks just like her father and I think she is gorgeous. The labor and delivery was 60 hours longs from start to finish and it is an ugly story which I will try to tell in a cohesive manner at some point.

I will be putting up some posts that may be very disturbing to all of you. These posts reflect the lows of post pregnancy many women have b/c of hormones and various other things. Please know that as you are reading them that these posts are basically written when I’m feeling at my lowest. It seems I write most when I’m having trouble and not during the good times. These posts are my darkest thoughts and are not my true thoughts and only really show up when I’m having a hormonal crying jag. I am told these are normal crying jags but I really want to get the sad and depressing thoughts out of my head and onto virtual paper — it seems to help me get through the moment faster. I am depressed but please don’t worry — I am talking to someone (actually my husband and I are talking to someone). I just know that writing stuff down is part of the process I need to follow to get past the hard parts.

Please do not feel you need to try to cheer me up — I am posting the posts b/c I really feel it will help me to get the stuff out of my system. I also don’t know if I will be able to clarify any of the posts if they are confusing to read which they probably will be. I think that is just a part of the throwing up on the paper/computer that I will be doing. There is no clarification — the feelings are just what they are when I have them.

Confessions and excuses (or wah wah wha, woe is me)

Filed under: 1. A lurker no longer — webmaster at 9:36 am on Sunday, April 5, 2009

Where to start?  Confessions or excuses?  Hmmm.

Excuses:  None really.  Just busy, Tired (with a capital T), overwhelmed with pregnancy and work, conflicted.  Hmmm.  Conflicted?   Sort of leads in to confessions.


1.  I’m conflicted because I don’t want to remember that I am infertile.  I want to pretend that I am a ‘normal’.   Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to forget the people and the support they’ve given to me but I do want to forget the pain and the struggle and the uncertainty of infertility.  I want to pretend my life only began after my 5-month anatomy scan.  It is a horrible feeling.  I have needed all of you so much over the past few years and now? Now I just want to be pregnant and pretend that there is a Santa Claus, and Easter Bunny, and a Tooth Fairy.  How awful is that!!  I feel awful about it.  Oh and don’t think I’ve put my head completely into the sand because here comes confession number 2. 

2.  I have and sometimes (as sickening as it may be) allow myself to be totally sucked into tragic thoughts.  Somehow, in all my craziness, I must think that if I let myself imagine the worst then worst won’t happen or at least I’ll be prepared (my god, what a freaking nutcase hoot is that?)  I will let scenarios rise up in my brain about all the bad things that can happen between now and the birth of my daughter.  It is awful but I think I must tell myself that I am making myself stronger in case something bad does happen.  Intellectually I know that is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE but it is some weird protective mechanism I have latched on to.  Thankfully, I will tell you that recently as soon as I recognize what I’m doing I try to very quickly stuff my head back in the sand and PRETEND all is well in the world and that my pregnancy is no different than all the ‘normals’ out there.  P.S. I hate using the word ‘normals’ expecially in a quotation mark but I hope you all will know what I mean.  I pretend that I’m a ‘normal’ which brings me to confession number 3.

3.  I’m a belly toucher.  I don’t mean to be and much of the time I don’t even recognize that I’m doing it until I realize I’ve been waiting for the elevator for two minutes and the whole time I’ve been touching my belly.  At that moment, I move my hand away as if my body were on fire.  It is horrible.  I want to touch my belly and I feel guilty about wanting to touch my belly in public.  I so don’t want to inadvertantly hurt an unknown infertile but I want to touch my belly damn it.  I know!  It’s bad.

I’m so sorry.  I don’t know what to say.  I feel like I’ve turned into a spoiled child and want it all my way, wah wah wah.  I am so thankful EVERY DAY to be pregnant with what so far (knock wood) has been an entirely uneventful pregnancy and yet here I am whining about being conflicted.  I am one of the luckiest people I know — I’m a pregnant infertile woman.  I have a healthy, growing baby inside of me who moves all the time and doesn’t let me forget for a minute she’s there.  I’m not kidding myself and I won’t EVER forget the struggle (I can’t) but for a little while I want to pretend.  Childish, I know.

So, what am I going to do?  I will stop avoiding my blog.  I will keep updating about the pregnancy.  I will allow myself to pretend for a while that my being here and being pregnant is the most normal thing in the world.  I will worry about the things fertile people worry about like the delivery and breastfeeding or will my friends throw me a babyshower.  I will just let myself be what I’m going to be. 

The kindness of bloggers (and possibly the longest post EVAH!)

Filed under: 1. A lurker no longer — webmaster at 6:58 am on Saturday, February 7, 2009

So much time has passed and I have lots to tell.  First, after my last post I was touched very deeply by your comments.  It is here in blogland where I come and know my fears will be understood and not scoffed at.  I am really happy to report that I have not had many fears over the past few weeks.  Apparently, I have come to rely on the kindness of bloggers.  From my last post two bloggers have stepped up in an unbelievable way.  First, Nica formerly of Life as a Sandwich and now of The After Life offered me her doppler.  We met for coffee (my first blogger meeting) and she just handed over her high-end doppler to an almost perfect stranger.  I cannot say how much that doppler changed my life for a few weeks.  I was listening to the baby every-other-night and feeling so happy just hearing the sound of a galloping horse in my ute.  It has been lovely.  Secondly, Keri over at Mothering My Miracle Multiples has just sent  me a HUGE box of maternity clothes.  WOW, WOW, and WOW!  How lucky am I?  Seriously!  These clothes have arrived just in the nick of time.  I’m a little over 20 weeks and it is beginning to show pretty pronouncedly.  I have still been in regular clothes but my tummy has been protesting.  I honestly am so thankful for the support I’ve been given here.

I have a lot of updating to do so I’m just going to jump in.

Movement:  Went to the OB a week ago yesterday.  I was concerned b/c I couldn’t get the HB on the doppler for two nights in a row.  I was able to hear the placenta and I knew from the last time I was at the OBs that the placenta was anterior.  I really was able to talk myself off the ledge b/c I reasoned (and then researched) that when the placenta is anterior it is much harder to get the HB on the doppler.  Anyway, as soon as I saw Dr. C I asked her for a scan.  She started the scan and said “Well we aren’t going to be able to capture the heartbeat b/c AS YOU CAN SEE this kid is moving like crazy.”  And, it was true — it was moving like there was no tomorrow.  More than that though the baby is measuring almost 2 weeks ahead for size.  Dr. C said if we didn’t know my exact dates of conception they would be tempted to move my due date up two weeks.  I didn’t know they could do that.  She was surprised I hadn’t felt it moving yet as it was so large for gestational age and moved so much.  I really hadn’t felt anything but that night as I was sitting on the sofa I felt it - tap, tap, tapping.  Very light it took me a moment to realize what was happening.  Then over the next two days the tapping continued but was joined by a slight flopping feeling.  Un-freaking-believable my people.  This is the coolest (freaking coolest) thing ever to happen to me in my life.  That feeling of movement inside of you is surreal.  I can’t believe it is a baby but I know it is.  I find myself laying around really quietly just waiting for it to happen.  As I type this I am feeling it — slight rolling and little flops.  Freaks me the F*CK out but in a really good way.  This is the best thing EVER — did I say that already?  I know eventually the movement will be a pain in the neck.  It’ll keep me up at night and I won’t be able to sleep from having a foot in my diaphragm but OMG the feeling right now!  The reality is so strong once this happens.  I’ve only slowly been accepting and connecting to this baby (still hard to say that word) but this past week has seen a sea change in my feelings towards it.  It is real.  It is really real.  It is mine and it might really actually be born healthy and be my child.

Anatomy scan:  Had it this morning.  SB and I were the first appt and that was good b/c I could not sleep at all last night from nerves.  This is the last big hurdle the baby itself had to get through (besides birth).  This test marks a point in the pg where there isn’t anything more to be waiting for to see if the baby is developing correctly.  The things that go wrong now are mostly things that will happen to me like ge.station dia.betes or pre.term labor.  I know I’m simplifying this a bit but it seems like this was the final big (holding my breath until it was over) mile marker I have been waiting for.  The baby’s only job now is to grow and live.  We know it has a brain and all the appropriate parts, the kidneys, the stomach, the bloodflow in and out, the heart and it’s chambers everything is there just the way it is expected to be.  The sense of relief I have felt all day has been unbelievable.  I’ve just burst out crying over and over today.  The relief just comes out of me that way. 

Boy or Girl?  Ah, the age old question.  As I mentioned before, I have been saying I want the surprise of finding out at the birth if we have a boy or a girl.  Poor SB has been dying to know NOW what we are having.  I liked the going back and forth about names — he hasn’t enjoyed it.  He wants to focus on one set of names either boy or girl especially since we have not been able to find any common ground on boy names.   I kept putting off finding out, he kept pushing.  We came to a compromise.  The agreement was this, if at the anatomy scan when the technician went to the boy or girl bit section we would tell her not to tell us the s.ex but that we would look and if we could tell then we could know.  Poor SB, he figured it would be easy — suckah!!!  I know what to look for b/c I’ve seen tons of u/s photos of these bits for boys and girls.  I know girls are much harder and you have to look for 3 white lines that run parallel and it looks a bit like a little bitty bear claw.  SB just figured the tech would say here are the geni.tals and he would be able to see what he needed to see.  Anyway, the tech asked if we wanted to know and I was looking at the screen and said oh I can see it — those three lines right.  She said yep.  I asked SB if he could see it — he had no clue what he was even looking at, it could have been the hear for all he knew.  I asked him if he wanted me to tell him.  He did — so I did.  Now I will tell you, it was a LITTLE BITTY BEAR CLAW people.  Yes, it is a FIRL.  And boy howdy she was not even a little bit modest about showing it.  We saw everything we needed to see and then some.  We’re going to have to work on that once she’s outside in the land of boys.

Both SB and I were surprised.  We really thought it was a boy.  I thought it b/c his family seems to really have a lot of boys.  I also thought is b/c we had I.CSI as part of our IVF and I was told by my RE that stastically speaking there are more boys born to I.CSI I.VFs than girls.  I cannot tell you though how happy I am it is a girl — I know I mentioned it before but SB and I have such an easy time agreeing on girl names and up until last night we still didn’t have ONE SINGLE BOY NAME we agreed on.  That, my friends, is the only reason I cared about what s.ex it turned out to be.  Now that I know what it is and she is moving all over the place I have TOTALLY fallen in love.  Come what may my life will never be the same.  I love SB and my sisters an unbelievable amount but this is different and it happened in split second.

Later in the day SB put all the pix up on her website (we’re making her a website for our families) and he came in the living room from his office and said something about finalizing it for “his daughter” blah blah blah — I didn’t hear a single word after that because I just burst out in tears and deep soul-racking sobs.  I was standing in the kitchen with a knife full of chocolate frosting b/c I was in the middle of frosting a cake and I was bent over double just bawling my eyes out, trying to catch my breath, laughing all at the same time.  I just couldn’t stop — laughing and sobbing at the same time also makes it very difficult to breath.  This went on for a few minutes and SB just smiled at me with tears in his eyes too.  There was nothing to do but let it happen.  I felt much better afterwards and only just got teary off and on the rest of the day. 

My daughter — who knew those two words could be  so powerful!

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